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queenofthefullmoon · 5 years ago

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An exhaustive list of Dark Souls 3 bosses I would or would not date

Iudex/Champion Gundyr

We’re starting off this list with a strong yes. Our boy Gundyr has had a hard, difficult life, and he deserves some good company. He’s tall, strong, and I trust him to protect us as we set a lovely camp site outside of the fire link shrine.

Vordt of the Boreal Valley

Vordt is big and he is feral which are truly the only two qualities I look for in a man. Together we’d be unstoppable. I mean, think about how easy it would be to go around with him: just climb on his back and let the rodeo begin, baby. This argument alone should be enough to convince you that Vordt is a suitable boyfriend, but here’s another one: if you get too hot in the summer, worry fucking not for your gigantic man can hold his equally gigantic hammer over you and cover you with snow like an italian man covering his pasta with parmesan.

Cursed Rotted Greatwood

Now while I’m certain it would be a perfect partner for some people, the Cursed Rotted Greatwood isn’t for me. For one, I am not fan of curses, or rot, or weird sticky balls, or strange orange acid, or pale white and slightly viscous hands bursting through a living tree. Secondly, I feel like the crowd of Hollows who group up around the tree would be a big impediment to our intimacy, and I’m not ready to be the mother of 20 Hollows.

Crystal Sage

No offense but you’d be an idiot for not wanting to date the Crystal Sage. All wrapped up in one package, you get a super competent sorcerer bf, who wears the coolest hat in the galaxy and an equally cool cape, and who overall looks like the upgraded version of a plague doctor. In addition to that he also has a pretty rapier so you can both engage in some sparring (which we all know is the most romantic couple activity).

Deacons of the Deep

Probably one of the worst options on the list, they’re all crusty, rotting men moaning around a biggass coffin. There are many technical questions. If I dated a deacon, would I have to date all of them? Can we go out on dates or are they obligated to stay next to the coffin at all times? Can I even date them at all?? Not that I would, because I have standards. The only pro to entering this relationship(s?) would be that I’d probably get one of their robes for free, but the cons are so numerous that I’d rather buy it myself.

Abyss Watchers

Let’s be real and honest even if it hurts. Would I date an Abyss Watcher? Yes. Maybe I’d even date two. However, would an Abyss Watcher date me? No, because they’re all in love with Artorias, and I can’t blame them for that.

Old Demon King

At first I considered dating the Old Demon King like a Russian Instagram model dates an old, rich American man: with a great deal of fake love but above all great patience in order to be the only person on the will. But then I thought about it more, and what does the Old Demon King have to offer, really? A big firework show that will leave him exhausted like the old creature he is, and maybe some pyromancies. Truly, it is not worth it, especially since I’d have to take residence where he lives, in a big old room filled with the corpses of his kin.

High Lord Wolnir

I’ve got nothing against Wolnir personally, but I have no interest in skeletons, nor in his army of skeleton children. As stated above I’m not ready to be a mother. I feel like if we got in an argument and he sighed, he would poison me with his awful breath and I would die a horrible death. Also, living on the brink of the Abyss doesn’t appeal to me that much. However I would like Wolnir to be a good friend I can talk jewelry with because let’s be honest, the man (skeleton?) is blinged the fuck out even in death and I respect that.

Yhorm the Giant

Yes, I would date Yhorm. He was nothing but a sweet, misunderstood giant who always tried to get people to trust him and he convinced me. I would put my life in his big hands. Think of the possibilities. Just like with Vordt he could carry you everywhere but in a less reckless way if you prefer proper manners. You’d never have to worry about not seeing anything at a concert. Also, may I add that waiting for you to show up while sitting on his biggass throne is an absolute power move? Yhorm is a Lord of Cinder, but above all, a Lord of this heart.

Pontiff Sulyvahn

Would I date him because of his appealing aesthetic? Yes. Would I date him for anything else? No. Sulyvahn is absolutely terrifying, completely unhinged in the most frightening way, which is that he doesn’t look bat shit crazy. I could be thinking that everything is going well in our relationship then suddenly he’d lock me in a dungeon then would feed me to his weird friend because I put a fork in the knife drawer. He could pretend to propose and give me a weird fucked up ring with his eye in it and the next thing I know I’d be running in a field on all fours. I don’t trust like that.

Aldritch, Devourer of Gods

I’m so sad about Aldritch because literally everything about him is completely unappealing, unacceptable, unnatural, unholy, abhorrent, but he has the delicate and beautiful face of Gwyndolin. While our lovely Gwyndolin looks gorgeous as ever it doesn’t make up for the fact that Aldritch devoured people and probably wouldn’t find love to be a good reason to not eat his partner. The only reason I can find to have a friendship (not even a romantic relationship) with him is if you really like experimenting with cooking and you really, really need someone to taste your inventions.

Dancer of the Boreal Valley

I feel attraction, which means that just like any other being who feels attraction, I would date the Dancer. She is beautiful, graceful, a bit feral, and would not hesitate to put a flaming knife to my throat, which is the description of my dream woman. Imagine walking the streets with her, trying to hold her hand while it dangles 3 feet above you and she insists on holding her sword, actually, so she might slay anyone who tries to approach you, which she communicates through icy breaths and murmurs. The date of a lifetime.

Oceiros, the Consumed King

Another awful choice on this list, Oceiros is RABID and also, as far as we know, still a married man. You really want to date a man that hasn’t even gone through his divorce but already looks like this? Me neither. I’m already not big on dragon fucking but the fact that he’s all viscous and has weird growths all over him is not helping. Also, he has children, and we know how I feel about that — although, given how he treats them, he probably won’t have kids very soon (too far?).

Ancient Wyvern

So I’ve stated that I’m not very big on dragon fucking. With that said, do I think the wyvern is sexy and beautiful? Absolutely so. You’re probably like « Blue you’re sending mixed signals, are you gonna date the lizard or not? » and to that I say, date? Perhaps not. I would however like to form a lifelong bond with this wonderful force of nature and fight by its side, live a long and fulfilling life travelling along with it, only to die at the same time atop the tallest mountain in the world, where our skeletons will be discovers hundreds of years in the future by brave explorers, who will confirm that the legendary songs that were written about us were in fact not just a myth.

Nameless King

You’ve just read what I said about the wyvern. I feel like the Nameless King really understands me and would respect me for that. We could bond over our love of dragons and other flying scaly beasts and perhaps share some chaste kisses while soaring the sky on our companions. It’s nice to date someone who loves pets as much as you. I feel like he would be a fun guy to hang around in general, maybe he’d let you braid his hair or try on his crown. He can arrange personalized fireworks shows for you with his lightning powers. I don’t think you’d ever be bored around him.

Dragonslayer Armor

Dating an empty suit of armor has never bothered me (see: ds2 Ruin Sentinels), however I have beef with the dragonslayer armor. Is it a beautiful armor? Perhaps a bit worn off, but the reply remains affirmative. However, it is controlled by Pilgrim Butterflies, which basically means I’m dating one to multiple of these things in the shape of an armor, and I’ve gotta confess that I’m not down for that.

Lorian Older Prince and Lothric Younger Prince

Here comes the delicate moment where we have to make a choice without offending anyone. I personally, speaking for myself, in my own opinion, would rather date Lorian. Reason: he is big, strong, and a bit rabid, which I’ve made very clear is my type. I don’t dislike Lothric, but I feel like we’d be better off as best friends who have a really snarky group chat where we shit talk the entire kingdom. That’s pretty good because if I even just slightly disliked Lothric I’m pretty sure Lorian would sense it and would not hesitate to murder me on sight.

Champion’s Gravetender and Champion Greatwolf

Well the full name is just a formality here, I’m not completely insane so I don’t want to date this rabid wolf. I feel like the Champion’s Gravetender is just a normal dude who’s a bit in over his head and it’s not his fault but he just seems a bit boring compared to all my other options. Instead of a date I think he’d be more of an awkward flirt I had when I was bored and then I came to my senses but didn’t know how to disengage, but in the end it worked out because he was more interested in his work anyway.

Sister Friede and Father Ariandel

Again a choice has to be made and I will have to be predictable and say I’d date Elfriede. Just like Dancer she’s what the woman of my dreams is made of. She’s graceful and could easily take my life and I think it’s awfully sexy of her to be like that. I think I’d be accepted into the family pretty easily, which is important since Father Ariandel cares about Friede so much. I’d go visit him sometimes, play chess with him, bring him his flail, normal interactions with your girlfriend’s dad.

Soul of Cinder

I’m gonna be a tiny bit freaky here and say I’d date the Soul of Cinder. Dating it is just like opening a Kinder Surprise egg, you never know what you’re gonna get (sorry Americans for excluding you here). That makes life exciting and doesn’t let routine stall your relationship. Every day you can wake up with the question « What weapon will my darling walk around with today? The flaming sword, or the sorcery staff? » and be surprised by the answer. Truly ideal, but I understand it’s not for the faint of heart.

Demon Prince

I’m gonna go with a maaaaaaybeeeee? leaning towards no. I mean yes, the Demon Prince is a weird fleshy flaming demon, and that may be a bit gross, but I’ve gotta admit I admire his style, the drama of it all. The care he puts into his entrance, the attitude in his moves. If we don’t date I’d at least want to be friends so he can teach me his ways.

Darkeater Midir

I have very intense and contradictory feelings towards Midir. In one hand, holy shit, absolutely epic dragon, the spirit of companionship is growing in me. On the other hand, this beast is RABID and pretending I could tame him is foolish, and pretentious. I guess in the end the answer remains that I don’t date dragons, I just want to adopt them as my extremely exotic pets.

Halflight, Spear of the Church

Yeah I’d date Halflight, I know it’s the easy answer but look at him. I mean shit he’s walking around like a little thotty with his shirt open and you mean to tell me I’m not supposed to wanna date him because he looks pretty much like a regular dude? My boy Halflight WANTS me to date him or else he would not show up with his tiddies out to a sword fight, which as an activity already has enough erotic implications on its own.

Slave Knight Gael

I’m gonna say it unashamedly and I’ll say it again: I would date Gael. He’s been nothing but helpful and when he tries to attack you it’s to help his little lady that he’s adopted as his niece. We love a chaotic parental figure. Maybe he’s a tad bit old and dirty but there’s nothing a good bath can’t fix and I’m sure he’d appreciate having someone taking care of him for once. Again, he’s got that slightly unhinged quality to him that makes him delightful. When I walk around with my partner I want us to instill both fear and fascination in people which we would be able to accomplish perfectly well.

Dark Souls 1: Remastered date list // Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin date list

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thorne93 · 4 years ago

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The Softest Fire (Part 7)

Prompt: Rosaline Vaughan had it all: fame, money, power, glory, a high status job. Until, one day, she woke up, and realized something was missing from her life.

Word Count: 1575

Warnings: dealing with animals(??)

Notes: First Fantastic Beast fic! I could NOT have done this at all without @arrow-guy. They have created a counterpart to this fic, writing it from Nora Vaughan’s perspective (Rosaline’s cousin/adopted sister). Fic aesthetic done by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo.

We were at the alchemists home. Newt and I had just finished taking care of the zouwu, trying to calm it. Once that was done, we ascended the steps and I stood in the living room of the house, peering around when a commotion from upstairs hit. I frowned, glancing to Nora.

“What was that?” I wondered.

“Jacob probably getting into something.” Nora’s gaze met Tina’s. “Tina, we should go check on him.”

Tina began nodding when I frowned at my cousin. She gave Newt a pointed look and shooed me towards him. My heart skipped a beat as I realized what she was referring to. With a thumbs up, she turned to catch up to Tina.

I took a few steps away from Newt, checking to see if the two women were out of earshot -- they were.

I wondered if now really should be the time I shared something that had been brewing in my mind since Tina had shown up. It would be now or never with the increasing risks and dangers that were piling up against us.

“Rather odd turn of events, hmm?” Newt questioned.

But I wasn’t in any mood for small talk, not right now, not with what we were facing. I took a deep breath, my heart racing faster than it ever had, palms sweating.

“Newt, I’m about to tell you something and I feel my timing is terrible but I may not get another chance… so here goes nothing.” I stared at him, hoping I had his undivided attention. “I’m in love with you. Have been for a long time. It took talking to Nora to realize what I was feeling. I found out a few months after you left for your voyage. I planned on telling you the day you came home but you were so excited about Tina I didn’t tell you. I couldn’t rip your happiness away for my own.”

He stared at me, his face unreadable.

“I know my timing is awful. I know you feel for Tina, how deeply, I’m not sure. But I’ve been keeping my feelings for you inside for two years, and I just can’t do it anymore just because Tina is here. You have a right to know, and I have a right to get this off my chest…”

He was quiet a moment, so I continued.

“I understand if you don’t feel the same, I don’t expect you to. I feel like if you had any feelings for me at all, by now you would’ve said something… If I’m wrong, let me know.”

All he did was frown though, his teeth playing with his lips for a moment. He appeared in a conflicted state of thought, so I waited. I was giving him a second to process this, but after several moments, I got the hint.

I shook my head, biting my lip. “It’s okay, Newt. You don’t have to say anything. We’ve known each other a long time, grown pretty close in these last six years, I think. I’ve seen your heart break and I couldn’t do anything about it, even though I wanted to. So if you felt the same, I think you would’ve said something before now. Just thought you should know how I feel, but I don’t want to be a last resort.”

I thought I heard a creak on the stairs so I stopped, shaking my head.

Fantastic, I had just made an ass out of myself for apparently no reason at all. Now Newt knew how I truly felt, so it would inevitably be awkward working together, if he didn’t fire me, that is. Well, at least I could move on now. This was it, the final straw. I’d waited very patiently, but this was just ridiculous at this point.

A second later, Nora, Tina, and Jacob hit the landing of the stairs.

“We should go to the ministry,” Newt suddenly said, breaking the tension that hung thick in the air.

“I’m going with you,” Tina and I said at the same time. I couldn’t help the cold stare that came from my gaze as my face whipped to hers. She eyed me up and down quickly, gathering courage to square her shoulders.

“How about I divvy the teams?” Nora offered. “I go with Tina and Newt, you stay here and protect Jacob and the man from earlier.”

“And why am I staying behind?” I demanded in a cool voice.

Nora raised one eyebrow, smirking. “Because you’re our best line of defense. One of you is worth three of us.”

I straightened my posture, standing taller, tilting my chin upwards. “I can’t argue with you there. Very well then. I’ll stay with them…”

“Good, we should get going,” Nora encouraged. Without another word, the three of them left, each of them doling out a different look at me. Tina’s was weary, Newt’s was unreadable, and Nora’s was one of warning.

As soon as we were alone, I could almost feel Jacob staring at me from the side as I examined the alchemist’s library collection.

“So uh… You’re like super powerful, huh?” he asked, seeming nervous.

“I suppose, yes,” I answered, not looking towards him.

“My girl Queenie’s nothin’ sniff at either. She found me a block away one time just ‘cause I was thinkin’ about her.”

Immediately, I turned my head and looked at him. “Your girl’s power is incredibly handy.” My gaze returned to the shelves as I admitted, “Wouldn’t mind having it myself.”

Jacob made a face. “Nah, I don't think anyone would want it. Stresses her out more often than not. Big crowds are a problem for her.”

My body pivots to face him once more. I look him up and down, a sad expression coloring my face. “I imagine it would feel lonely, and hard to control... Hearing thoughts you may not want to hear..." I snapped myself out of the path I was heading down. "Nonetheless, an impressive offensive power. I don't tend to have many people around me anyway, so reading minds probably wouldn't become overwhelming for me. Queenie seems very... empathetic though. She must absorb a lot of emotion around her, I bet that wears on her."

“Yeah, hearing all those voices is rough for her…” He seemed to look off in a far place for a moment.

A sad smile pulled at my lips. “You’ll find her. We will get her back. She’s very strong. You are too. Not many muggles could handle this sort of world and not snap or call it complete lunacy.”

“Believe me, some days I still think I’m dreamin’ or in a looney bin somewhere,” he stated with a laugh.

I joined him with a chuckle. “No, you’re very much awake and sane. Remember, Queenie needs you too. Women talk about being angry, talk about needing space, but I think deep down, all they want is their beloved to stop them and beg them to stay. It’s nice to know you’re wanted.” I smiled softly down at the floor in thought.

“Thanks...I think I needed to hear that…”

I nodded softly, granting him a smile before he said he was going to sit down a second. I excused myself to go upstairs and make sure everything was alright up there. I was gone for maybe five minutes, returning downstairs to see that the mysterious man was gone and Jacob was asleep.

“Jacob!” I cried out, anger barely touching my tone. “Where did the man go?”

He snapped awake. “Huh? Hmm? Oh, jeez. I feel asleep. I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. Merlin, years as an auror and hit witch and I can’t keep someone detained properly any more…” With that, I heard the click of the front door. I spun to see a rather old man, so old he started to appear paper like. “Hello, is this your home?” I asked evenly.

“Yes, I do. I’m Nicolas Flamel,” he informed, reaching forward. I took his hand delicately, followed by Jacob who held his hand a little too hard.

“So nice to meet you. I hope it’s alright we came in. My friends and I were in trouble and Dumbledore said we could use this as a safehouse,” I explained quickly.

“Mmm, yes, he told me someone may be dropping by.”

“Ah, good. It’s great to finally meet you. I’d heard about you in my studies, at Hogwarts.”

Nicolas started to make his way over to his work area in the front of the flat. “That’s flattering,” he noted.

The three of us chatted a bit more, even allowing me a glance at the Philosopher’s stone in his safe, a very peculiar item indeed. Just as I was about to ask Nicolas about working with me on some potions, his crystal ball seemed to start to glow and he made his way towards it, followed by Jacob and myself.

“What is it?” I questioned, peering at it. “What’s happ--”

But then we saw it, rapid flashes of imagery that was far from ideal.

My face snapped up. “Where is this? How do I get there?” I demanded quickly.

“The Lestrange Mausoleum,” he informed, looking worried.

I nodded and grabbed Jacob’s hand. “We need to go. Now. Thank you so much, Mr. Flamel. You’ve been a wonderful host.” I grabbed Nicholas's hand hastily before Jacob, and we apparated out of his home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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#the softest fire #newt scamander #newt scamander fic #newt scamander x ofc #newt scamander x oc

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whatwashernameagain · 5 years ago

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Keep him safe - Chapter 32

You can read the previous Chapters here: Ch 1, Ch 5, Ch 10, Ch 15, Ch 20, Ch 25, Ch 30, previous chapter, Ao3 Link, Lo’s, Pat’s and Virgil’s aesthetics, You are Magical, I’m dying to be with you, The Dreamer

Pairings: Logan/Patton, Roman/Virgil

Words: 9.779

Warnings: social anxiety, cursing, arguments, Virgil’s potty mouth (let me know if I missed any)

Summary: Detective Logan Sanders and his best friend and dorky partner Roman Prince have made a dear friend in the lovely pattisier Patton. Logan however feels a lot more than friendship for the sweet man, even though he knows he cannot possibly have him. Their routine is broken abruptly when Logan finds bruises on Patton’s fair skin and slender wrists he could hardly have received from his costumary clumsiness. Meanwhile his partner Roman has his own demon to fight, which comes in the form of a little delinquent who seemed to have been pulled into a street gang quite against his will. Roman is determined to help the strange young man. It would be so much easier though if he just stopped hissing at him!

Notes: Exciting things! @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 sent me a Christmas gift which I am too happy about and @sebthesnipe has consented to support us with the beta reading (and she is intimidatingly good. I am in awe. So thorough, but who’s surprised by that? Thank you so much!) Also there are new people on the Keep Him Safe Discord server, so feel free to come chat with us there. It’s a fun little place and I love everyone there! Invitation: https://discord.gg/Y2WNAND

Chapter 32

“Motherf- why do you insist on sitting there, you bristly beast from hell?” Roman wailed.

For the third time, he had almost tripped over the raccoon cowering on the ground between the sofa and the corridor. He swore he had moved it aside – very carefully – with his foot. Twice. He had even bribed it to the kitchen with a few, strictly forbidden, snacks. There was no time for this! The ceremony – his ceremony – started in two hours and it would define his life, honor his entire career! It was-

“Ow! I will make a coat out of you! Or maybe even a fedora!” Roman swore, jumping on his unbitten foot. Gathering his courage, he snatched the monster around the fat middle and lifted the retching, gurgling critter high away from his body. His dearest Virgil would tame the gray and white monstrosity for him. If he would forgive him for almost throwing the thing at his face with a shrill screech.

“The fuck, man?!” Virgil yelped, catching the flying animal and immediately toppling over into Patton, who sat on the couch behind him during his attempt to wrangle the scratching raccoon that tried to swipe at his hands. True to Roman’s hopes, Virgil managed to roll it into the thick fabric of the blanket next to him and reduce it to a quivering ball of rage hissing in the general direction of the entire world.

Feeling Virgil’s glare hot on his person, Roman hunched his shoulders.

“Sorry?”

Patton, sitting quietly with his wool and kitten in his lap, drew his limbs closer to his body. He was already dressed and ready to go, as always making sure he was free to help everyone else.

After Roman’s split-second decision to attempt to save the thief, the results of his actions had taken a life of its own. His picture had been printed all over the local newspapers and had even made it to national television, though it was only a small feel-good piece after the news. He had been asked on actual interviews (which he had excelled at of course, charming as he was). Suddenly, people loved him. His pretty selfies were trending on Instagram and he even received actual handwritten fan-mail. Just yesterday, a small crowd of reporters had held him up on the way to the office, asking him questions and trying to get a good shot of his suddenly famous, and quite lovely, smile.

For the first time, perhaps in his whole life, Roman felt truly confident. He didn’t have to pretend to believe he deserved the world - he felt like he’d already held it in his hands. His laughs were filled with joy and when he looked at the mirror, he liked what he saw. He would ruffle his bright curls, giggling at his reflection before he danced around the bathroom, using his brush as a microphone singing happily. There was no need to force a smile any longer. He liked himself. If he was truly honest, the reason wasn’t the attention of his adoring fans recognizing him on the street and wanting his autograph, or the reporters flushing at his sweet smiles and charming manners. No, that was all exciting – so exciting! – but it truly was the knowledge of being loved unconditionally by the people that really mattered. It was the atmosphere at home. It was the quiet, safe feeling of evenings spent together; the knowledge that he was important to someone. It was Patton standing on his tiptoes and hugging him when he got home. It was Logan lecturing him about his fluid intake. It was Virgil, blushing and grumpily hunching his shoulders when their eyes met; the way he almost smiled at him.

The young man hadn’t taken his words back, despite Roman’s fear that he would. They hadn’t talked about the confession again, especially since Roman feared he would scare Virgil off, but something had notably changed. The barista was defensive of his reputation, growling and grumbling whenever someone so much as hinted at him needing help, but something in his demeanor towards Roman was different. Softer.

As the young detective pondered a chance at something new with Virgil with an excitedly beating heart, he finished fixing his tie and promptly made a mess of it. Groaning, he threw his hands in the air dramatically.

“This whole day shall end in disaster! It’s cursed! Fate has forsaken me!”

Virgil groaned and climbed around the growling ball buried in the blankets. “Let me, you theater nerd.” He mumbled.

Standing in front of him he was so much smaller than Roman. He could see the shadow his dark lashes cast on his moonlight pale cheeks. His hands were slender and nimble as they took hold of his mangled tie and pulled it from the taller man’s neck. Throwing it over his own shoulder, he leaned close to pull up the collar of the stark white dress shirt Roman still wore untucked, with his dark uniform slacks. The excitedly thundering heart slowed in the detective’s chest as Virgil drew closer. Obediently, he leaned his head forward to let the young man wrap the cool fabric around the back of his neck. God, he would let him do anything to him. He could not believe Virgil was here, voluntarily standing close. How he wanted to place his hands on the slender waist. The moment he had first laid eyes on him came back to him with such vivid clarity. The slim figure wrapped in stiff, cold leather; bruised, defensive and sharp toothed. He was still the most beautiful creature Roman had ever seen.

A hushed silence fell over the apartment like a heavy blanket of snow. Virgil formed the loop and pulled the end of tie through with slow, deliberate movements. He never lifted his eye to the intense gaze, focused on him as if he were the only thing worth looking at. Only the flush rising to his cheeks gave any indication that he was affected at all.

His pink lips were slightly parted. Roman couldn’t look away. He couldn’t recall a time where he felt so light as he did since Virgil had stepped close and spilled a rambling, confused confession from those lovely lips. Though he wouldn’t receive his award for a couple of hours, he already felt blessed beyond his wildest hopes by his sweet kitten. This was everything he had ever wanted.

As if hearing his sugary thoughts about him, Virgil tucked sharply at the tie, pulling it taunt. Choking a little, Roman fumbled to loosen the perfect knot. His wildcat flashed a sharp grin before ducking his head once again; his hands slipping down the sculpted chest and falling away, leaving a trail of heat.

Warmth was also rising to Virgil’s cheeks as he remembered that Patton was huddled up right behind him. Well fuck, that was embarrassing. Perhaps he should just put his head in the oven right now. In the face of his fear of losing Roman, his own courage had completely steamrolled him and truth be told, he had no idea where to go from here. This whole feelings thing was a fucking dumpster fire. He blamed that bitch of a thief.

Patton hadn’t noticed a thing, though. He was too busy leaning over the back of the couch, gaping at the man that was currently fussing over the shoulders of the freshly ironed uniform jacket he had put on a hanger. Logan, having finished dressing with plenty of time, had been forced to clean up after Roman; look for his white gloves, iron his uniform and hold the mirror for him to see the back of his head while he styled his curls. Now he’d entered the living room, dressed from head to toe in his pristine dress blues. The golden buttons and badge on his chest gleamed, as well as the elaborately stitched symbol of his department on his arm. His slacks were pressed to perfection and accentuated his long legs. He was even already wearing his polished shoes and white gloves and a rat on his shoulder. He looked entirely too attractive.

Virgil worried a little for Patton’s heart. Literally. He was growing quite red.

Even if his barista decided to tease him later and he was getting a little anxious of being caught, Patton was not missing a moment of this. He’d thought he had grown used to living with men who were this- this- well, this put together and handsome and kind and intimidatingly in control of their lives, but then something happened and he was baffled again. He didn’t know how to prepare for it either. Virgil looking cute as heck in the morning, he could deal with, even when it made him want to hug him and almost climb into his lap with love- he could just do that. And Roman was always as attractive as a model, even when he was complaining or drinking cocoa in his fluffy slippers. His adorableness just made him look soft, even moments after he would startl Patton with his dramatic outbursts. There was no reason not to tell him how pretty he was every day. But Logan? Yesterday he’d irritably dashed through the apartment in a shirt and boxer briefs looking for his trousers that Roman had abducted. Patton had felt like his heart would stop at the sight. He couldn’t just jump at him like that with his long, naked legs and socks and all! And sometimes Logan would just sit next to him opening his mail and the light would fall on his face and Patton just… he just….

He didn’t know what to do with himself. He’d never felt something like this. Especially something so confusing. His feelings were a fluctuating mess. Just when he thought he was healing and managing not to wake up in a cold sweat every night, fighting the conflicting urges to dial Trevor’s number or run to Logan for protection from him, something like this unbalanced him. The problem was - it didn’t seem to want to go away, despite Patton’s growing confusion. The more Logan got comfortable, the more he showed his real personality. It was a development Patton had expected with absolute certainty, but he hadn’t thought the older man would change quite like this. He’d expected to see more of the sides that had frightened him in the past. The quick anger. The dominance. The physical violence he was capable of. The demand to control everything. He wasn’t blind to Logan’s flaws. He’d learned the hard way, after all.

He wasn’t surprised to see those flaws now that the older man didn’t need to hide them anymore. After all, Patton had nowhere else to go.

Logan had plans for everything and needed things to go his way. When they didn’t, he’d grow irritable and even angry. This morning, Roman had given him reason to grow furious with him by losing his gloves, putting everyone in a right state looking for them. There had been screaming and wailing (all by Roman), which had made Logan grow progressively more quiet and frustrated. Tension had settled in Patton’s chest quickly. Whenever someone was angry, it felt like something lodged itself in his throat and made it hard to breathe. It made Patton feel small and frightened and guilty, no matter what he did or hadn’t done himself. He always, always expected to be punished.

Logan hadn’t hurt Roman though.

Well, he had hurt him a little by grabbing the scruff of his neck despite his complains about his hair and depositing him on the couch. Without his loud interference, he’d found the gloves in less than ten minutes.

Apparently oblivious to Patton’s fear, he had settled down next to his stressed partner and looked at him earnestly.

“Everything you need is here, Roman. There is no need to be nervous. You deserve this.”

Tension had fallen from his partner’s shoulders like a visible weight. Laughing bashfully, knowing now that the reason for his panic had turned out to be a kitten rolling up on his gloves, he scooted closer to his friend, shyly asking if he was still loved in his own way.

Without hesitation, Logan had wrapped an arm around the broad shoulders and leaned their foreheads together in a moment of quiet gentleness. Despite lecturing him about their timetable he had still ironed Roman’s jacket and de-furred the gloves before he’d finished dressing.

Those moments - where Patton expected things to go wrong, when Roman became whiny and annoying and Virgil started growling with stress and Logan began showing signs of anger, or simply when he and Virgil started talking each other into a rage over the latest failure to protect minorities or the environment - they still frightened Patton. They would keep frightening him for a long time, he feared. He couldn’t help but be aware of the powder keg that was the suddenly too small apartment where four men lived together who were all very different from each other and tended to rub each other to irritation.

Virgil was still defensive of Patton and his pride, and recently his claim on Roman. Roman was his own very special person who needed encouragement and attention and occasionally sugar followed by a hug. And Logan… well, he just needed things to work, be tidy and on time; which they never, ever were. Little conflicts were impossible to avoid, and Patton feared them turning into hurtful fights.

They never did.

Still, every time, Patton expected the blame to fall on him for being incompetent, or forgetting something, or making their situation more difficult by being there and needing space, by being in the way or simply getting in the way of Virgil’s grumpy insults or Roman’s flailing complaints or Logan’s growling lectures.

It certainly hadn’t helped that they were all a little tired after Professor Duke had rung the doorbell at four thirty this morning and had demanded they join his marching band. He’d been banging pans against each other. Logan had given him a cookie and told him to sleep before shoving him into the corridor a little harder than strictly necessary.

Patton couldn’t understand why no one was arguing with him, especially considering how stressful the time of Roman’s heroics had been. He wasn’t easy to live with, he knew that. He said silly things, or his presence became annoying, or he didn’t perform as he should – and recently, he hadn’t been performing at all. He had just been here, useless and waiting for something bad to happen. The longer he’d been sitting around doing nothing, the worse his anxiety became. He was starting to understand that he needed to get back to the café. His ankle was healed enough and his hands were almost like new. Even his bruises were barely visible anymore. He needed to make himself useful. Perhaps it would help to have something else to focus on. Something less hopeful and less likely to break his heart.

His little heart beat hard in his chest whenever he experienced Logan growing soft with Virgil or Roman, despite his stress. He couldn’t quite help quietly expecting the worst and when it didn’t happen, his heart was so full. Every time the moment where Patton expected a yell or a blow passed, he felt…Well, it was hard to explain... He felt untethered and perhaps irrationally relieved, grateful, probably and despite his shame, a little suspicious still.

Logan was affecting him most in those times when he acted so differently than how Patton had been conditioned to expect. When he untangled a purring kitten from another article of clothing and his large hands were so gentle, despite the threads coming loose, Patton felt soft; When he called the racoon a sabberndes Biest aus der Hölle and tried to wash the stolen jam off of its snapping jaws with a warm damp cloth, Patton breathed a sigh of relief, finding his chest filling with fondness; When Roman dropped into Logan’s lap while he was trying to read, ignoring the ‘oof’ of pain he elicited while loudly complaining before being deposited on the couch or carpet with nothing more than fond amusement and exasperation or Logan even indulging his partner and holding him a little (like Roman had hoped), Patton wanted to hug him with relief. He was so grateful whenever he could understandably yell at Roman or Virgil or the pets, and didn’t.

And then there was the way he treated Patton.

Every morning, he greeted him the same way. “Good morning, Patton. I hope you are well rested?” Spoken in this deep, confident voice that held a soft, warm tone to it. Every morning, he would discuss the latest news he had read with Virgil, on his tablet and then he’d drink the rest of his tea while asking Patton about his plans for the day. He would listen and look at him with his dark attentive eyes as if he were truly interested. Whenever Patton meekly tried to divert his attention from him because he had nothing interesting to say, Logan would ask follow-up questions and tried to find out if he needed anything for his day. Every evening when he got home, he would ask how Patton was feeling, if he had enjoyed himself, what he and Virgil had been doing. He checked on the progress of his healing, despite not even needing anything but two band aids anymore; he would carefully cradle Patton’s hands in his own and move his fingers this way and that to check his nerves and dexterity.

“Your hands are the basis of your profession. It is of vital importance that you are provided with optimal care to ensure the ideal conditions to regain your health.” He’d told Patton earnestly. The young baker had tried to swallow down the memories of wrapping his still bleeding hands himself, or throwing out batches of dough contaminated with his blood.

And now Logan was wearing a dress uniform.

After handing over the suit jacket, he placed the matching hat over his raven hair and straightened it critically, checking his reflection in the glass of the lion-flower picture Roman had finished. Turning to see if Virgil and Patton were at least ready to go, Logan found the baker huddled up on the couch where he usually sat in his attempt to make himself smaller. He was looking up at him with his honey brown eyes, dressed in soft, pale fabrics that accentuated his slim figure and innocent, pretty face.

Mortified, Logan found himself flushing. Roman had told him Patton would enjoy the view and he’d secretly hoped his partner was right, but now that he actually stood under the gaze of the young man he wanted, so desperately, to be close to, he felt as shy as a teenager. His thoughts rarely strayed far from Patton. He found himself wondering what he was doing; if he needed anything; if he and Virgil were safe and happy at home. He kept wondering what Patton was thinking. Now that Trevor had left their lives, he felt like they were suddenly at a crossroads where the pâtissier needed to choose his path. They hadn’t discussed long term arrangements yet and the insecurity of it was eating at Logan. He was certain attempting to seduce Patton into staying at his side was a poorly timed idea. Yet in moments like these, when he felt his body heat with diffidence and excitement due to the younger man’s attention, it was hard not to be tempted. Logan didn’t know where to go from here, but he knew he wanted to keep Patton. He wanted him to be happy and safe and to be where he could protect him. He wanted him for himself and that was a terrifying thought. Patton deserved so much, and so much could go wrong. The pâtissier was almost too precious to consider claiming for himself. He was too gentle, too fragile and deserving to belong to Logan.

Thankfully, Patton always appeared to sense when a distraction was needed. Despite flushing and huddling tightly against the pillows upon being caught staring, he cleared his throat and adopted his most cheerful smile.

“Let’s get you your medal, RoRo!”

“It is not just any medal.” Logan explained proudly. “The Medal for Valor is the department's third highest accolade. It is conferred upon police officers for acts of outstanding personal bravery intelligently performed in the line of duty at imminent personal hazard to life under circumstances evincing a disregard of personal consequences.”

“At least a few of those apply to Roman then.” Virgil grumbled.

“Hey, I did perform intelligently!” Roman cried, offended.

“No, you did not.” Both Virgil and Logan chimed simultaneously.

“You are very intelligent, though!” Patton assured his friend sweetly as Logan indulged Virgil’s raised hand for a slightly unsure high five.

Roman was a fucking snack, Virgil realized. He looked tall and regal and a little strict in his dress blues, like an authority figure; like an actor in a movie; like something Virgil would want to climb. Standing on the stage with his tall build and perfect posture and proud, sweet smile, he made cameras flash and hearts break all over the country. The ceremony would be broadcasted nationally that evening, due to the massive amount of attention that one fucking picture of him carrying that shiny bastard had gotten. Virgil was hiding it in one of his books. It was a good picture, okay? Whose business was it what he did with it?

Virgil clutched the cool rat in his hands closer to his chest, earning a small lick on the chin from the animal. Logan had given Nicodemus to him in the wise expectation of the irritation at all of the dressed up, thirsty bitches trying to seduce his man. Were his hands free, he’d have probably tried to knock out the scantily dressed, slightly orange, fake-tanned lady next to him for blowing a kiss at Roman as he beamed in their direction. Only the knowledge that it was him the attractive detective was smiling at seemed to calm him. He always did that: look at him like he was the fucking sun. It was fucking sad.

His heart fluttered.

Fuck him. Fuck him. He was too good. He was receiving a fucking Medal of Valor, for fucks sake. After receiving his medal, his speech was clear and eloquent and touching – was that bitch crying over there?! She better keep her hands to herself!

His teeth clenched with the realization that Roman could just wade into the sea of his admirers and choose whoever he wanted. They would try their hardest to give him anything he wanted. Roman looked so heroic with his uniform and the gleaming medal he’d earned. He was gorgeous and nice and fair and caring and none of those hoes knew how fucking annoying he was as well. Virgil counted himself lucky that he knew, though.

But how did one keep the attention of a man so hungry for adventure and excitement if they couldn’t even stand to look at their own body after a shower? There were things that Virgil wanted, certainly. However, he was afraid of so many things that came with becoming Roman’s lover. The mushy, emotional crap for one: Roman wanted attention and flamboyant, public displays of affection and confessions and shit. That last one had nearly killed him.

Or the fact that he would have to tolerate being seen naked and his scars being touched. Having to expose his tattoo. Possibly even having to deal with the memories of the humiliation and pain he’d experienced. He had no frame of reference for consensual, healthy sexuality and he had the feeling, unlearning all of the crap he had put himself through would be bloody painful. He would try, though; for Roman. The issue was that there would be no comfortable, romantic lovemaking like Roman probably dreamed of. There would be a Virgil with body issues and an aggressive protection of his secrets and image and- and fucking moves he learned on the street. How did one fuck someone like a boyfriend? The fuck was the difference?

And how the fucking fuck did people learn to live with each other all day anyway? Didn’t they irritate each other? How was he supposed to go from ‘don’t touch me, you son of a bitch’ to ‘I love you so much, let’s spend every waking second together skipping through a field of daisies’? He didn’t want all that. He just wanted Roman. He wanted to touch when he felt like it, be comfortable when he was close to him and know he was happy and fulfilled and that he wouldn’t go anywhere. He wanted to claim him so that he would have the right to fucking bite anyone who wanted to hurt him. He wanted. He wanted so much. For most of it, he had no words. It was just this dumb, helpless yearning he felt all. The. Fucking. Time.

How was he supposed to cool it and strategize his next move when Roman sprung a fucking uniform at him? Did he have to be such a beautiful himbo?

“They sure look good, don’t they, kiddo?” Patton asked softly, wrapping his arm around Virgil’s without taking his eyes off the clean lines of Logan’s body where he was waiting for him as his partner shook hands.

“Hmm, guess so.” Virgil mumbled, keeping his gaze a little lower than Patton’s. He had no qualms about enjoying the way those slacks hugged the curve of Roman’s backside. He was hot. He better make sure none of his fucking ‘fans’ got too close. Virgil would hate to force Roman to arrest him for punching a bitch.

None of Roman’s fans got the chance to lay their greedy hands on him though. Logan, severe, tall and very intimidating, awaited him when he bounced down the stairs catching his partner as he lunged himself into his arms with a happy cheer. Logan also glared at the waiting crowd over Roman’s shoulder. He was a real bro.

Upon releasing the older detective, Roman excitedly grabbed his friend’s hand and dashed straight towards the other two, ignoring the crowd of reporters and dressed up hyenas.

“Tell me how fabulous I was!” He demanded, beaming at them. Virgil felt faint with relief. Roman only had eyes for him.

Throughout the celebration at their favorite pub, Rosa and Logan kept a close eye on him and discreetly scared away everyone who got too close or too interested. Only Patton and - he realized with warmth – Virgil, were encouraged to be close by at all times.

There had been no need to be afraid, as it turned out. Roman was eager to talk to Virgil, to include him in all of his conversations, to share his happiness with him. He was always polite and nice to everyone, but his attention always seemed to find its way back to Virgil. He even invited him outside – away from his party - when he felt the young man had had enough of the people around him.

The evenings had grown cold lately; Roman pulled his suit jacket off without asking and tentatively draped it over the narrow shoulders of the young man that had told him he wanted him. His Virgil. His wildcat.

His green eyes were filled with more awe than they had been when he had received the highest honor he could have ever dreamed of. Virgil didn’t shrug him off; the slender shoulders under his hands relaxed as he rubbed warmth into them. The light of the pub cast flickering shadows over the sharp cheekbones that had been so flushed with possessive anger during the ceremony. Roman had been barely able to repress his giddiness. There had been no misunderstanding Virgil’s jealousy. He felt so wanted, so beautiful and precious. The thief had made him feel those things too, he couldn’t deny that he had liked their advances, but this – this feral, defensive anger – it was the truest proof of affection to Roman. Virgil made his heart come alive. His feelings were real and raw and Roman – he was so excited, so happy. So in love.

He wanted to sweep Virgil into his arms and squish him to his chest in unbridled happiness. He wanted to clutch him close and gush about his love for him.

He wanted to kiss him.

Feeling the intense gaze on him still, despite clearly hoping Roman would stop looking at him so closely, making him feel so fucking shy, Virgil dared to look directly at him. He was still so anxious, the poor darling. Roman would coax him into his arms and make him yearn for his kiss. He wanted Virgil to want to kiss him so much he would pull him close with impatient hands. He would be a gentleman. And while he waited, he would continue to enjoy the exciting, hot feelings Virgil’s possessive anger gave him. It felt so good to be wanted.

After the party, Roman was bumbling about the apartment in a happy daze, humming to himself. Virgil slouched, heading towards the kitchen and started rummaging through the fridge for some snacks, badly needing to come down from an evening of glaring at his competitors. A content, quiet atmosphere was settling over the rooms.

The kitten had started mewling as soon as the door opened and ran towards them to be picked up. It eagerly rose onto its hind legs when Patton leaned down to pet it. Cradling it close, he breathed in the warm scent of the downy fur against his face, enjoying the way it rubbed itself against his cheek.

Only Logan was looking a little lost in the middle of the living room. He had received Nicodemus from Virgil and was now holding him safely in both hands, almost compulsively petting his downy fur with his thumb.

“You alright there, Lo?” Patton asked softly. The Detective’s eyes were dark and unreadable as he focused on the baker.

“Certainly. However… there may be an issue that has caught my attention. Considering my limited social competence. I have not been entirely certain how to approach the subject. The last thing I wish to do is offend or cause stress. However, Remy has advised me to discuss it, so…” The detective rambled a little awkwardly, holding on to the rat for courage.

It had been a while since Patton had seen him this nervous. His own heart fluttered a little with discomfort. He immediately wanted to help his kind friend out somehow. He just hoped he hadn’t done something wrong.

“You can talk to me, if you like! Is there anything I can do? Did- did I do something?” He asked, his voice growing feeble and quiet. His palms suddenly sweaty against the kitten’s silky fur.

Logan’s brows furrowed with worry as he observed the obvious discomfort he had caused. Roman briefly distracted him by wailing pitifully at not being allowed to touch the cheese sandwiches Virgil was grilling. There were far too many potential interruptions around here.

“You did nothing wrong, Patton. Please do not be alarmed. Would you be comfortable with discussing the situation, as I perceived it, in the privacy of my bedroom? So we may not be interrupted?”

Oh Tesla, he was blushing! Patton would come to think he had impure intentions with him! He worried about frightening him with his request as soon as he had made it. Perhaps he should have asked Virgil to use his room.

Indeed, Patton looked taken aback. Glancing at the corridor, he seemed to need a moment to gather his courage. Logan hadn’t seen him this anxious since they had managed to somewhat soothe his fears after the first few days of healing under his roof.

“Oh, yes. For sure!” He chirped, suddenly smiling brightly. The expression was lovely on his pretty face, yet it failed to reassure the detective. After all, he now understood how much Patton covered up with his cheerful expressions.

“Are you quite certain, Patton? I will not be offended if you feel more comfortable not being alone with me. We can invite Virgil, if you would prefer having him there.” Logan offered gently. He couldn’t help hurting a little upon making the suggestion. Patton had trusted him with his vulnerability so much in the past, yet now he seemed weary once again. He was grateful for his phone calls with Remy, his friend had prepared him for the likelihood of regression into old fears and habits.

‘Recovery is no more straight than you are, babe.’ He had explained.

“Oh no, it’s all good! I just want to fix whatever makes you feel sad!” Patton promised, perhaps sensing his sadness. He stepped closer, wishing to soothe the droopy expression on his dear Logan’s face. He looked anxious and hurt. The baker had little room for his own fear when his friend was distressed. He wanted to listen and comfort the gentle detective. Upon finding himself in a position of care and protection, it was easy to remember how badly he wanted to be the cause of Logan’s happiness.

“Satisfactory. However, I must demand you promise me to alert me if you ever feel uncomfortable. I shall not take anything you say personally.” Logan implored, trying to mean what he said.

The moment Logan stepped into his bedroom he realized he was in over his head. This space was so intimate and ill equipped to have a conversation between individuals of their currently uncertain personal connection. So much could go wrong! He didn’t have the social competency to pull this off! Where would Patton even sit? There was only one chair! Sitting on the bed together was out of the question for various reasons. He didn’t even know how far apart he should sit to give him enough space. What if he sat too far away and his friend thought him angry or odd? Of course, he’d have to be the one to offer a seat to Patton, it was only polite to do so, but if he chose the bed for him, he might think Logan would try something. There was the chair for him to sit in of course. It only permitted one person to be seated and was therefore the superior choice. However, the bright orange epidendrum orchid he’d propped up against it made sitting in it awkward and uncomfortable, since it spilled its flowers all over the backrest.

Logan started sweating.

“Excuse me please, Patton. May I just…” He mumbled, hurriedly trying to squeeze past the pâtissier without touching him while Patton stood uncertainly at the foot of the bed, waiting for Logan to make a decision.

After settling Nicodemus on the bed, Logan’s suddenly clumsy hands fumbled with the orchid as he tried to free the chair for Patton’s use, almost making him drop the flowerpot. A few pebbles of the fir bark the plant was potted in tumbled to the floor as he tried to squeeze the flower into a niche on the windowsill where the blossoms were draped over another houseplant for support.

Logan was suddenly, terribly nervous. “Verdammt.” He muttered, despairing.

“Hey there, it’s okay.” Patton cooed suddenly. His voice sounded gentle. “Come on, Logan. It’s all good.”

Patton’s soft, smaller hand wrapped around Logan’s clammy one and pulled tentatively. He couldn’t look at the little baker suddenly. Surely, he was disgusted by his sweaty hands and too polite to pull away. What was the social etiquette in a situation like this? Should he pull away? Should he excuse his behavior, or should he rather not draw attention to his shortcomings? He hadn’t felt this nervous about the other man in months. Why did he have to unravel so pitifully now that Patton needed him to be strong?

Patton’s fear seemed to have melted away entirely though. Calmly, he pulled on the detective’s hand and settled them both on the edge of the bed, facing the lush plants and large windows. His attention was entirely focused on Logan.

“There’s no need to be nervous, okay? It’s just little old me. You can tell me anything.” He promised softly. His hair fell into his eyes, softening the inquisitive look. He employed just the right tone, the right amount of contact, settled them at the perfect distance from each other. Logan was simply baffled at how easy he made this terrible, messy task appear.

“I don’t know how to do this correctly.” He confessed without having consciously decided to. The words just tumbled from his lips; coaxed out by the easy, trusting atmosphere Patton created without any effort.

“Do what correctly?” The smaller man asked without judgment or impatience. He felt like he could sit here and listen to Logan for however long it took. He seemed to unlock something in the detective that made him quite helpless to uphold his strenuously built control.

“My hands are sweaty.” He mumbled, realizing too late that his statement was neither an answer to Patton’s question nor did it relay any information he didn’t already possess, since he was currently holding said sweaty hands. It wasn’t even an apology. Suddenly his jacket was far too warm over his shameful blush. The baker took his change in topic in stride.

“That’s okay. So were mine a moment ago. I rubbed them on poor Nugget.” He confessed, nodding to the gray kitten rubbing itself on the stoically seated rat on the bed behind them. “That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Thank you for your considerate words, Patton. However-” Noting too late that it was probably rude to keep holding hands after acknowledging the uncomfortable condition, he pulled his hands free and wiped them on his uniform slacks with more attention than the task warranted. What had he been talking about?

“I wish to clarify- I mean - what I failed to convey is that the issue of my perspiration is only a symptom of the reason I am displeased with my shortcomings. I am afraid my request for a conversation has been worded in a way that might have caused you anxiety which is, in fact, the last thing I had wished for. My objective in asking for a private consultation has been entirely for your benefit. Yet I fear I have miserably failed, by forcing you to focus on my own needs once again.”

“Oh no! Logan, it’s fine. Please don’t be upset. I’m okay! I’m always okay. I don’t mind talking about what worries you at all. That’s what I’m here for!”

Kindly, Patton wrapped his hands around the awkwardly clenched ones of his friend, probably knowing he had been obsessing over what to do with them. After a moment of trying to pull himself together, Logan breathed a deep sigh. Patton’s hands were so soft. The pastel band aids on his fingers were covered with cute round bear shaped cupcakes. The even shape of his short nails gave his messy, anxious mind something to focus on. Roman had been cheerfully filing them yesterday after Virgil had refused him access to his bitten ones. Trying to breathe evenly, he rubbed his thumb over the back of the pale fingers rhythmically.

“Patton, would you be averse to a conversation about your constitution instead of my own? There is a … a concern I wish to address - if you would be amenable to do so. Of course, should you prefer to converse with Virgil or Roman about the topic, or not at all, I will not push you. I may not be the right person to offer an insight into emotional matters.” He rambled. He just couldn’t seem to stop showering Patton with his winding sentences and formal language even though he knew the distancing speech patterns were the exact opposite of what his friend probably needed right now.

A moment of silence made the detective’s worry skyrocket once again. Had he pushed too hard?

“What do you want to know?” Patton finally asked softly, adding “I’m fine. Honestly.”

Logan dared to risk a glance up at the baker’s lovely face, worried he had already backed him into a corner and made him defensive like both Virgil and Remy had warned him of.

‘You do come across a little strong sometimes, ya know, sweets? He trusts you. Just let your, like, nerdy, stiff charm do the work and make him feel, like, safe or whatever.’

Safe. He usually had no trouble offering safety to Patton except for the cases when he appeared to be the problem. How did he make him feel safe from himself when he didn’t even know what he had done? Virgil had noticed the issue as well. He had been so kind and respectful when voicing his own worries over Patton’s fear. He hadn’t been willing to place the blame on Logan’s shoulders, though.

‘I got that way too, sometimes.’ He had confessed. ‘Something in my head is messed up and then anything could set me off. Still does, sometimes.’

Tesla, Logan was grateful he had Remy to help Virgil deal with those issues. He couldn’t bear the thought of his little delinquent being left alone with his wounds. Unfortunately, Patton had no such professional help, so it fell to him to try.

“Are you comfortable here?”

Again, something about the way Patton made himself so accepting and approachable made Logan spill his thoughts without reflection. If the pâtissier wanted, he could play him like an instrument.

Patton stilled, looking startled. He pulled his shoulders up, immediately looking small and insecure.

“O-of course! Did I do something to make you think I’m not? I’m so sorry if I seemed ungrateful or made you antsy. I really didn’t want you to worry! You do so much for me and I’m very thankful! Everything you do is amazing and I couldn’t be happier! I’m really sorry for looking selfish! You really don’t need to do even more! I just- you can just ignore me and – and if there’s anything I can do to help or- or make you more comfortable-”

“Patton, please wait!” Logan begged, confused about the change that had come over their conversation. How had they come from his question to Patton thinking he was selfish for making Logan worry?

“I’m afraid I am not following. Please allow me to clarify. I am very pleased to have you with us. My worry is a result of my affection for you and does not inconvenience anyone in the slightest. You have no reason to apologize for being cared about. And you have never seemed ungrateful or have in fact had any need to appear grateful at all. I am not certain where I failed to communicate that my question was entirely caused by my honest wish to ensure your comfort. Your possible unhappiness is no reason to apologize at all. Your feelings are… what is the correct terminology? Your feelings are – valid, I believe. And I merely – I wish to ensure your happiness. I feel I have failed you in some way and I am not blaming you for it. Please, help me fix it.” He begged softly.

Patton seemed to need a moment to follow his long sinuous speech. Still, he tried to reassure him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Logan! It’s all good. Please don’t ever worry about me! I’m happy! I’m always happy!” He claimed, bravely trying to smile at the detective.

Logan’s shoulders fell upon realizing that they were back to Patton pretending he wasn’t hurting. He always had a hard time figuring out the right path to take when his friend refused to cooperate. He knew his claim to be false, but how could he make him confess to it? He was fairly certain an interrogation was the wrong path to take. It would only frighten and isolate Patton, but even using the wrong tone – something he was very prone to – could cause the same effect. Stress made his heart race irritatingly. This was not in any way close to his comfort zone.

While he groped around for words – or tried not to use too many at once – Patton watched him with the attention of a small creature waiting for the chance to escape a predator. He didn’t miss the disheartened look.

Logan looked very lost and overwhelmed, suddenly. Patton had only meant to reassure him! Trevor had always been the most easy to handle when Patton had made sure his boyfriend didn’t have to deal with his annoying feelings of loneliness or fear or the issues he wanted to discuss. Taking the problems from him had been safest. Logan however, clearly had hoped for a different outcome.

Because he was Logan, of course.

As Patton waited for signs of aggression or annoyance, the understanding of his own actions dawned on him: With Trevor, fights had come over them like the tides. There had been a certain rhythm to it, to the dissatisfaction, the feeling of insignificance, the unintentional insult that caused the tension to erupt and crash over Patton. He had been waiting for the same thing to happen. Every episode after a fight had been filled with regret and roses and vows to do better. The time of reconciliation and wooing Patton had always, always followed a fight and had also always given way to apparent peace before the slow building of new anger. He’d learned to read the signs and brace himself and he had been doing the very same thing to his friends: To him, the way Virgil kicked Roman for trying to steal food; the passionate ranting between him and Logan; the demanding, loud complaining of Roman; and especially the frightening lectures Logan gave in return. They were all signs of a culmination of fury that would inevitably and painfully blow up.

They weren’t, though, and consciously, Patton knew this.

Roman was always this way. Ever since they had met, he had been insulted easily and claimed the world was treating him with terrible injustice or he’d tried to rile Logan up with his overwhelming physical contact.

Even since Virgil had come into his life, he had been dark and brooding and easily enraged by some political decision or economical problem and he’d always had been quick to retaliate against Roman’s attempts at closeness with playful, minor violence like a hiss, or a scratch, or an elbow to the ribs, that brought them into contact.

And Logan… Logan had always, always been an obsessive, stubborn man with a need for order and a habit for lecturing and ordering Roman around. He had always glared at him and threatened to have him adopted or make him eat, or grabbed him by the back of the neck or generally complained moodily about any and all messes.

None of those things had changed; neither of those moody, loud men had ever tried to be anything else. They had never been better than they were now and they also had never been worse. There was no hidden pattern to their behavior. Their coexistence wasn’t any different than it had been a day, or a week, or a month ago. Patton was just expecting it to be. He simply noticed the little arguments more, feared the consequences of the wailing more, and expected Roman and Logan to turn on Virgil for being an aggressive little thing.

None of their interactions were as malevolent as Patton had come to conceive them to be, now that he considered them through a more objective lens. Virgil might swipe at Roman and tell him he was a greedy oaf, but he blushed when he looked up at him and was so clearly flustered by the effect of the other man that he didn’t know how else to interact with him, lest he see his vulnerability. Though he tried to push and shove at him, he actually sought contact with the excuse of his physical arguments.

Roman on the other hand wasn’t fooled for a second. He kept goading and tempting Virgil to engage in their little play-fights with him to invite him closer. Sometimes they would argue until they laughed; sometimes Virgil would howl in frustration and tackle Roman onto the couch where they would both roll around until the young man’s nervous energy was spent and he would become soft and tired.

Neither was ever truly angry.

And Logan… his tone when he condemned the latest immigration bill was passionate and frustrated and it frightened Patton. He remembered the cold grip of sudden fear as the detective had leaned over Virgil’s shoulder to read an article he had shown him. His flare of annoyance had been directed at congress, but Patton had seen Virgil – his hurt, beloved kiddo – sitting so close and so easily harmed. He just couldn’t not be afraid for him when tempers flared. But Logan hadn’t been mad at Virgil and the barista hadn’t felt threatened. His arguments had supported the older man’s. They had both ranted at the same thing, united in their feelings, comfortable in their shared views. Yet Patton’s emotions had only reacted to raised voices in the room.

When had Patton lost the ability to see past the dynamic this group had always shared? It was like he was too close, too emotionally involved to see past the immediate flares of moods and tones and failed to see what had always been glaringly obvious before.

These men loved each other.

Virgil was so enamored with Roman, he seemed utterly overwhelmed. Roman simply melted at any little bit of affection he was given. In any of their harmless fights, his eyes shone with joy. Whenever Logan complained about his partner’s habits and behavior and untidiness, the dramatic detective seemed more at ease than before, knowing his friend was focused entirely on him. He preened and played and put on a show, knowing he was being paid attention to and looked after. And Logan and Virgil… had he ever really been given reason to fear? Though Logan was plenty grumpy with Roman, who was plenty intentionally annoying with him, he was never even curt with Virgil. Every interaction between them was respectful and even affectionate. Logan always spoke to him with that soft, that polite, articulate gentleness that was so special about him. His hands would find their way into Virgil’s hair every morning to groom him, since the young man apparently refused to use a hairbrush. He would ask about his day and encourage the young man to pursue his interests. Every meal the barista made was complimented earnestly and every contribution to a conversation was listened to. Those two were comfortable with each other in a silent, calm way Patton didn’t really have anything to compare it to. They would just sit next to each other and read and still feel like they were enjoying each other’s company.

And of course, the most prominent flaw in Patton’s belief that he had to expect to be hurt, was the fact that neither of them treated him anything like they treated each other.

Virgil was soft with him. He handed him the kitten and chatted with him more than he probably would with anyone else. He watched him with dark, worried eyes and sought contact with the wish to reassure Patton. He even offered to talk, despite not enjoying emotional conversations.

Roman was very open about his affection for Patton; he liked to hug him every day, style his hair and even pick him up to twirl him around and kiss his face. His smiles were always filled with joy when he saw him. The young detective was like an overexcited puppy with him, loving his attention and wanting everything Patton had to give.

Logan was especially kind to him, actually. His touches were the most respectful he had ever been treated with. When his hands touched his back to guide him out of a dancing Roman’s way or when he would gently tap his elbow to get his attention, Patton would even describe the contact as tender. His eyes were always warm when he looked at him and his hugs… the little pâtissier was hit hard with longing. He hadn’t hugged Logan in so long, just because his expectations had made him see ghosts in every shadow. His friend must have felt so abandoned. He knew Logan had trouble reading a room or understanding certain signals, but there was no way he had missed the distance Patton had created between them.

This was what he had meant with his question.

“Oh Logan, I’m so sorry!” Patton cried out, knowing full well his sudden mood swing would terribly unsettle Logan.

Seeing the man clearly now that he was actually looking, he realized how much he wanted to be with Logan again. He had lived next to him and had protected himself from the idea of him, based on the things that he had learned Trevor would do; but he hadn’t really connected to him in the last couple of weeks. His own illusions had cost him Logan’s comfort, causing him to be more shaken and saddened, which had made his fears worse.

He was such an idiot. So much misery, for nothing.

Blessedly, a bewildered looking Logan hesitantly opened his arms with a look on his face that clearly stated he had no idea if his offer was appropriate or not. Patton dove in.

A shuddering breath made him shake.

Another made him hiccup.

Logan seemed to react on muscle memory and wrapped steadying arms around the narrow body, squishing him to his chest and almost settling him in his lap. His hugs were never casual. He pulled Patton in tight and buried his face in his hair, seeming to envelop him entirely. Logan was taller than the baker, making it easy for Patton to wrestle his glasses off half heartedly and nuzzle into Logan’s shoulder. Warm darkness deprived Patton of sights, sounds and the sensations of the outside world. He was completely wrapped up in a living, breathing hold. Squeezing his eyes shut, Patton focused on the chest he pressed his forehead against, the rising and falling, the smell of freshly washed fabric. He wished Logan was wearing the dark blue, fluffy wool sweated he had pulled on yesterday. The one Roman had promptly snuggled against it, demanding his head to be rubbed. He actually wanted that too.

Hoping for the same affectionate treatment, the smaller man rubbed his cheek against the shirt. The hand that tentatively buried itself in the lush curls made all tension flow from his softer body. Patton sagged against Logan and sighed deeply, a pleasurable shiver running down his spine. It felt like stepping under the hot spray of the shower on a cold winter day. He couldn’t get enough. The telltale sensation of Logan searching for words and shyly breaking off before he had formed them made affection course through Patton. It made him want to shake his hands in the air and hop up and down on his toes. He was giddy with it.

“Um… would you, perhaps – for the sake of ensuring your comfort - like to lay down, Patton? Not to attempt any inappropriate activities of course! I am only proposing to change to a reclining position since Roman and Virgil appeared to be comforted by a prolonged-”

“Yes, please!” Patton chirped, immediately enamored by the idea. He was clutching onto Logan’s back so hard, the other had to be uncomfortable. He couldn’t seem to get close enough. Everything else was overwhelming, with too much light and too much noise. He wanted to curl up and be held, he wanted to be protected and hidden and he wanted Logan. Before he knew it, his friend had awkwardly maneuvered him onto the bed while trying to pull off his stiff uniform jacket at the same time. The moment his head hit the pillow, Patton was ready to disappear in this man’s arms. He shuffled as close as he could and felt so, so safe. Despite his sudden fear of the world around him, every breath brought him closer to tranquility. As long as he could stay in this position, petted and hidden and held just right, he could put himself back together.

Weariness washed over him and made his limbs heavy. His constant fear had exhausted him so. A deep breath felt weighted by worry and stress, and fell away as he breathed out, relaxing more and more with every exhale.

Logan, steady and patient and solid, held onto him and evenly stroked his head. Patton knew without looking that the detective had closed his eyes. His limbs were relaxing against his waist too, becoming heavy with relief. He seemed to understand there was no space for words for once.

Both men fell into a light doze and eventually drifted off to sleep.

Patton woke hours later to the dim, respectful light of the planet nightlights. Nugget had woken him with a harrumphing mewl. It flinched in its sleep and paddled its paws before falling into a snoring doze once again. Both the little kitten and the rat had settled down above his head on the pillow. Logan was still deeply asleep, soft and unguarded. His hair was spread over the pillow on one side and his glasses were squished over his face. Gently, Patton untangled a hand and pulled them off. Had he been any less sleepy, he wouldn’t have dared to just reach out this way, but as he pulled the frame off, Logan simply grumbled in his sleep and nuzzled back into the pillow. His arm hung limp over the slender figure curled close, entirely unthreatening. Very slowly, Patton settled back down and looked up at the sleeping man. The lights seemed to soften his severe features. Seeing him this vulnerable, Patton felt so, so much. His heart was so full, he could barely contain it. He was safe here with this man who’d never asked for anything but his trust and friendship, and he knew, despite the worry he had caused, that Logan would forgive him. He had forgotten all of this, and he feared his silly head might forget again, but even if he knew it or not, he wouldn’t be hurt or pushed away. He was home.

With the tiredness of his emotional turmoil still heavy in his bones, Patton fell asleep again before he could consider leaving.

****************************************

So this is where the boys are taking me. Interesting. I hope I’ll have the next chapter up sooner for you. It jumped me with some Logan angst, the bugger. Then, we will get where I actually wanted to go with the fancy uniforms!

ART:

We got art!!!!!! So excited I LOVE LOVE LOVE getting art!!!!!!! This lovely piece was made by my dearest @olcia46 (wonderful, beautiful human) and is utter gorgeous!!!!

Then @ravenclawunicorn1 created this amazing calligraphy of the title which I am utterly crazy about!!!!! I wanted to use it as a new header, but it turned out a little big. I am so awes by it, though. I’ll have to look as it a bunch more!

Not strictly art but super duper helpful for any readers who enjoy a visual: The comparison of the Sides’ heights in KHS (along with a post about their ages and such. Thank you @violetblossem

Next Chapter

#Sanders Sides #Logicality #Prinxiety #patton sander #Logan Sanders #Detective AU #Keep him safe #my writing #Eva writes

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 5 years ago

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Michael in the Mainstream: Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

Remember Charlie’s Angels? Touted as a female empowerment action film, it failed in both departments; it doesn’t really function well as empowerment when all the Angels are functionally identical with little to distinguish them as characters and fighting against one-dimensional sexist male villains, and it doesn’t function as an action film when the stakes are not set up, the action scenes are bland, and the twist villain is pointless since the way the narrative is structured (all male characters with few exceptions are bad, all females are good) gives it away far ahead of time. It’s a real shame, because female-led action movies can be seriously cool and empowering, but every time one does poorly Hollywood seems to blame the gender rather than the fact the movie sucks. There’s really only one thing that can be done to salvage a situation like this:

Send in the clowns.

Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) is what I think Charlie’s Angels wanted to be. It’s fun, it’s empowering, the characters are distinct, and the action is great. Now there are problems which I’m going to get into, but before all that, let me tell you the secret behind this film’s success: first and foremost, it wants you to have fun.

You see, this film does a lot of stuff Charlie’s Angels does, but since it wants to entertain you first and empower you second, the message goes down a lot easier. For instance, almost all males in this film are villainous (although not all are sexist), but it’s not done in a bland, tasteless way. One element in particular was the workplace sexism Renee Montoya faced; her male coworkers constantly stole her credit, which ends up inspiring her to fight back harder against Roman Sionis, the antagonistic gangster of the film. Not only does it have an empowering undercurrent and is a believable depiction of a woman being undermined in the workplace, it’s a pretty relatable feeling in a broad way; I’m sure a lot of us have felt as though credit was stolen from us by a coworker. This makes this plot element both focused while also being broadly applicable, opening it to a wider demographic that can access the themes.

And then we have the major misogynistic villain, which has been done so poorly in films like Ghostbusters and Charlie’s Angels. Thankfully, in the grand tradition of films like Beauty and the Beast and Megamind, this film’s villain’s misogyny is just a small part of what makes them a horrible person. Roman Sionis (AKA Black Mask), played by Ewan McGregor, is just relentlessly unpleasant. He decides not to spare a torture victim’s life because he’s grossed out by a snot bubble from her sobbing, he’s demeaning to everyone around him, and he wants to slice open a little girl who swallowed his diamond. This guy has issues that go far beyond “hating women.” And in the same vein as Gaston, Roman is just relentlessly entertaining whenever he’s onscreen, cussing up a storm and just being delightfully hateable.

Now that we’ve established this film handles elements like misogyny and sexist villains better than Charlie’s Angels, it’s time to talk about how it better empowers women than that film. And what better way to empower someone than by having them kick major ass? The action in this movie is so fun and energetic, but what else can be expected when John Wick’s Chad Stahelski supervised some of the action scenes? In particular, Harley is just a blast to watch because, being the flamboyant clown that she is, she is incapable of going a single action sequence without going delightfully over the top. Her assault on the police station is a perfect highlight, as she knocks out the entire GCPD with a glitter shotgun. It’s such cool and colorful chaos, it’s sure to put a smile on your face.

And of course, the big thing that helps is all of the leading ladies are distinct. Huntress, Dinah, and Renee all have their own personalities and goals, with each of them getting flashbacks dedicated to fleshing them out. And of course Harley herself is a big, glittering disco ball of uniqueness, which I feel doesn’t even need to be said at this point. But I think now is the time to point out my gripes with the film, and my first one does tie into the characters: despite all of them being distinct, everyone who isn’t Harley is a bit out of focus. Yes, we get a bit of development and a solid base for a sequel or spin-off, but it does suck when a character as cool as Huntress is relegated to a very minor role until the third act.

Speaking of, the first couple of acts are a bit scattershot. This is mostly due to Harley constantly rewinding time to deliver the backstory of one of her costars, which can hurt the pacing a bit. It’s weird too because the plot is pretty straightforward otherwise, but I guess this is what you gotta expect from a screwball like Harley. The humor is in the same boat; the jokes aren’t always funny, but the physical comedy and extravagant situations usually elicit a chuckle. It’s just not a total gut-buster is all, and despite at least somewhat drawing inspiration from fellow R-rated superhero film Deadpool, it just doesn’t do what that did quite as well.

[SPOILER WARNING]

I think my biggest issue with this film is the amount of wasted potential. It doesn’t hamper my enjoyment, but you can’t help but wonder how much more interesting it would have been for Zsasz and Roman to live. Zsasz dies a bit anticlimactically and despite being extremely close to Roman, his death never factors into Roman’s revenge on the girls, which is quite the missed opportunity. Roman himself is wasted to a lesser extent, as while his death is well-deserved and hilarious, with how much fun McGregor is clearly having and what a blast Roman is to watch it would have been cool to see him return at some point. He kind of reminded me of Justin Hammer, but I mean that in a good way; he’s the sort of villain Hammer could have been in a better movie.

The biggest waste of all, though, is Cassandra Cain. Let me preface this by saying I don’t think the character in the film is bad. She’s ok, easily the weakest character and more of a living plot device than anything, but she’s fine. The issue is more that in using the name “Cassandra Cain” they rob the DCEU of having a more true-to-the-text version of Cass, who had a pretty interesting and specific backstory. I’m unsure why they went this route with the character when they could have easily given her a unique name and establish her as an original character instead of tossing away a lot of interesting potential.

The last bit of wasted potential comes from the unfortunate but expected absence of Barbara Gordon, AKA Oracle. As one of the founding members of the Birds of Prey, you’d kind of be forgiven for assuming she’d be in a film called Birds of Prey. But likely because the suits at WB don’t want Batgirl to say the F-word, she’s not in the film. It doesn’t really help that the titular team doesn’t even form until the movie’s epilogue, which leads me to wonder why the movie even bothered to put Birds of Prey in the title. The movie is pretty much Harley’s, with the Birds being interesting side characters; why not just drop the Birds of Prey, go with calling this The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn, establish the Birds here, and then save Birds of Prey for the inevitable sequel? The film’s title is honestly such a weird and baffling decision that likely impacted its box office along with the R rating.

[END SPOILERS]

Despite these gripes, I would not hesitate to call this a good, even a great, movie. What it all boils down to is the fact that this movie is fun. I had a lot of fun watching it, and since I greatly value having fun with movies, I definitely think this movie is worth your time. I recommend this to anyone who loves Harley Quinn, anyone who loves badass female action movies, and anyone who was disappointed by the hamfisted failure that was Charlie’s Angels (which is everyone who watched it).

If I could compare this to anything, I’d probably compare it to the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic Commando. Sure, both of these movies are goofy, campy action movies with straightforward plots, cheesy humor, and simple characters. But sometimes the world needs movies like that, and when you throw in some kickass action and a clear aesthetic that only serves to enhance the experience, it’s hard to really complain. Just because you aren’t high art doesn’t mean you aren’t GREAT art.

And hey, I’m fine living in a world where Margot Robbie is the female Arnold. Who wouldn’t be?

#Michael in the Mainstream #Review #Movie review #Birds of Prey #birds of prey (and the fantabulous emancipation of one harley quinn)#harley quinn #Margot Robbie #Black Mask #Ewan McGregor #DC #DCEU #superhero movie #action #action movie

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alanna-artroid · 5 years ago

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Cookies I Have From Cookie Run So Far! (And My Thoughts On Them)

Alright, I’ve gotten pretty far in Cookie Run: Oven Break, and I felt the need to share my thoughts on all the adorable cookies I’ve unlocked so far. So far, I have 50/100, so I’d say I’m making good progress. On to the list!

GingerBrave: The bravest boy. If this was a show, he’d clearly be the main character. I recently got him a little suit, so now he’s a gentleman!

GingerBright: Sweet little lady. She looks like she’d be nice to get a coffee with or help you with homework. I definitely ship her with Brave, no doubt about it.

Strawberry Cookie: Precious baby! She’s super shy and I am compelled to protect her at all costs. Her pet is also a Tamagotchi, so she must be a gamer! Sweet!

Skater Cookie: HE WAS A SK8TER BOI! SHE SAID SEE YA LATER BOI!

Zombie Cookie: This is one of the fastest zombies I’ve ever seen. They seem like a nice guy overall though.

Princess Cookie: Heck yes, a mischievous princess! Those are the best! I love her dress and hair bows. I bet she just pretends to get kidnapped for the lols.

Pilot Cookie: Is it just me, or is this little old man smaller than most of the other cookies? Whatever, he’s got a cute mustache and he’s adorable. Go and fly!

Vampire Cookie: As a vampire nerd, I immediately adored this guy. I will gladly give him grape juice and chill with him under the light of the moon.

Gumball Cookie: Is this was Splatoon is like? This boi has a lot of chaotic energy and I like him.

Pistachio Cookie: I love this warrior woman so dang much. Look at that minty green hair! Her power is also SUPER helpful. She a speedy knight!

Pancake Cookie: HE’S A FLYING SQUIRREL! HE’S TOO CUTE I CAN’T EVEN! LET ME HUG THIS TINY CHILD!!!

Peppermint Cookie: Sweet baby. Good baby. My mom would probably adore this baby. (She loves mint and she’s not even a big sweets person.)

Muscle Cookie: As a lesbian, I’m not into big abs and muscles, but he’d probably be a good gym partner. Don’t mess with him is all I can say.

Cherry Cookie: Little Red Riding Hood got some bombs! I hope she and Gumball can go cause chaos on the weekends.

Hero Cookie: Precious nerdy boi with science! I saw his Island of Memories intro and his bond with Jellyco Cube is just the sweetest thing! Follow your superhero dreams, my baby!

Fairy Cookie: I didn’t know Tinkerbell was in this game! Also, I got her a bee costume and that looks super cute on her. Love her hair bun.

Werewolf Cookie: ULTIMATE FLOOF! Doggo here has a lot of angst and I worry for him. Maybe Vampire Cookie can teach him to chill? That’d be nice.

Rockstar Cookie: Oh, the songs I could sing right here. High tier rocker boy. Loving that flowing white hair. Rock on, buddy!

Soda Cookie: Go-to starter for my Breakout runs. I love him very much, he’s super cute! Let me go to the beach with this righteous dude!

Dark Enchantress Cookie: Oooooh, she is GORGEOUS!!! I love her design~! I’ll be sure to invite her to any fancy balls I might have, as to avoid any Maleficent scenarios with this savage woman.

Moon Rabbit Cookie: My spirit animal! I love how she constantly munches while she runs. This girl is such a mood for me. Cute little bunny ears~!

Space Doughnut: Awww, look at this alien dork! Their design is very cute, and I love how their expression of >:3.

Macaron Cookie: Such a sweetie pie! Why must they all be so adorable?! She’s a little drummer girl! That is too precious! Look at her dress and hat!!!

Pink Choco Cookie: She reminds me of a show I watched when I was younger. It was about a space girl, does anyone remember it? This girl will save the day, I can tell!

Avocado Cookie: Strong girl on the loose! My pun-loving friends would adore this cookie. And she’s a blacksmith, which is always cool.

Whipped Cream Cookie: Elegant ballerino!! He’s definitely one of my favorites! Such a beautiful boi~! I love his design so much, and he’s very useful. <3 <3 <3

Blackberry Cookie: Yeeees! Gothic girl for the win! She is SO dang pretty! I am WEAK for gothic lolitas, and she even has ghost buddies! I bet she’ll love spooky games like Luigi’s Mansion and Hollow Knight.

Lemon Cookie: Edgy boi is trying way too hard to be Shadow the Hedgehog. I mean, can you SMILE for once dude? It’ll take me a while to bond with this guy.

Salt Cookie: He strikes me as a wise old man you’d find meditating at the top of a mountain, or in his case on a boat in the ocean. I bet he has lots of knowledge to share.

Squid Ink Cookie: AWWWWW, SWEET BABY SQUID!!! Guys, I think they might be my favorite! They’re so squishy and mighty, and they need all my love and huggles!!! Don’t be sad baby, I’ll be your friend! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Lime Cookie: Beach girl! She’s like Lemon Cookie, but slightly nicer! I really like her hair and beach ball. Very cool girl.

Ninja Cookie: FINALLY! SOMEONE WITH MORE THAN TWO JUMPS!!! I went kind of crazy with his jumping powers at first. He’s super cool. Not sure why his pet is a ghost though.

Pomegranate Cookie: Oooh, I love Asian fashion~! Look how fancy and elegant she is! Her story concerns me, and I’m worried about her.

Angel Cookie: Good cookie, sweet cookie. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. It looks like they trust the devil boy, which is beyond kind of them. I love it when angels get along with demons. Defy angle roles!!!

Devil Cookie: Speaking of, they’re a cute little bean too! I love the naughty demon trope, and this cutie is so mischievous! Call Angel your “rival” all you want, I’m still shipping you dorks.

Roll Cake Cookie: Imagine, if you will, the world’s biggest game of Whack-A-Mole! With that hammer, this boy would win without question.

Popcorn Cookie: I’d be happy to go with this girl to the movie theater! Also, I love how she had popcorn for hair buns. She seems like she’d be up for a fun time!

Carrot Cookie: Oh my lordy, her ponytails are carrots. The artists for this game are so clever. Strong but tiny farmer, I approve.

Ion Cookie Robot: Yes! A robot! I love robots, and this cookie is no exception! Definitely one of my favorites, up there with Whipped Cream Cookie. They’re super powerful too, and REALLY useful in Breakout and Trophy runs.

Dino-Sour Cookie: Gee Dino-Sour, how come Devsisters let you have two pets? Very cool punk boy. I can see him going to Rockstar Cookie’s concert.

Plum Cookie: Aren’t plums purple though? This boy is one tough cookie! Look at his karate moves! Honestly, I thought he was a girl at first. Why must these boys be so pretty?!

Yogurt Cream Cookie: PRINCE ALI! FABULOUS HE! ALI ABABWUA~!

Alchemist Cookie: Look, it’s Twilight Sparkle! Apparently, Vampire boy is her brother? I really like her hair braids(?), I just wish she’d loosen up a bit. She seems like a nice girl.

Roguefort Cookie: Aaaah yeah, elegant thief! This cookie is the coolest! I love this aesthetic so much~! Blue cheese has never been so fancy. Just look at this charmer, stealing hearts!

Pitaya Dragon Cookie: OOOOOhohoho! THIS is what I’m TALKING about! Look at this beast, they’re GLORIOUS! They’ve probably killed a bunch of people, but They’re crazy powerful and I adore them.

Knight Cookie: This guy is SO much fun to play as! He just won’t stop, he’s too fast!!! I couldn’t stop laughing once I found out just how fast this knight could go! Somehow he controls better than Pistachio? I don’t know, I love him!

Birthday Cake Cookie: TOO PRECIOUS FOR WORDS! SHE’S SO DANG CUTE!!! Also, her “Bonus Time” changes to “Happy B Day” and I... I just can’t! She’s the sweetest thing!!! <3 <3 <3

Cocoa Cookie: Awww, look at this sweet baby! I wanna snuggle her! Her design looks so warm and comfy. I have plenty of hot chocolate to give her. <3

Raspberry Mousse Cookie: Ah yes, the pretty boy that got me into this game in the first place. Along with Squid Ink, he’s probably my favorite. There’s a reason he has the highest affection so far with me. I just adore his design, and he’s very powerful! I will ALWAYS have him ready for Breakout and Trophy Runs. Well worth all the hype. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Rose Cookie: Finally, we have this lovely lady. Everyone is shipping her with Raspberry, and rightfully so. She is a high-quality woman that makes gay men straight and straight girls lesbian. Look at that outfit! And those dance moves!

Aaaand that’s everybody for now! I’ll update this once I get more Cookies. So far, I like most of them a lot. Anybody got some favorites they’d like to share? I’m still new to this game, but I’m happy to hear what others have to say!

UPDATE 1:

I went back and fixed all the gender mistakes I made. (I’m so sorry! D:) Also, I got a few more cookies! So here we go!

Walnut Cookie: Precious detective baby! The newest update is only making her cuter! Probably the shortest of the bunch, and I adore her design~! <3

Cinnamon Cookie: Super useful power so far, and they have a really cool cape! Those cards are very handy! (I promise I’ll pay attention to the genders of these cookies from now on! I don’t want to misgender anyone again!)

Sparkling Cookie: Oooh, a sparkling cider cookie! That’s honestly the only boozy thing I enjoy drinking. He is super classy and seems like the life of the party. He strikes me as a Great Gatsby kind of host.

Moonlight Cookie: OOOOOOOH~! LOOK at this GODDESS! I love the nighttime/dreamy aesthetic. This girl has Luna’s hair and a wizard’s outfit, high tier cookie!

White Choco Cookie: This game sure likes it’s knights, huh? This girl is a fine lady and apparently, she attracts all the lesbians. Can’t say I blame those girls, I do love that hairstyle.

Spinach Cookie: Aaand the newest cookie to hit the scene, this girl! I have never met someone so dedicated to vegetables, so I have to applaud that. She’s a super sweet girl, and I hope we find who stole her precious vegetables!!!

UPDATE 2:

More Cookies! It’s been a while since I’ve updated this, so I have quite a bit to share. On to the new ones!

Mustard Cookie: Look at this punk girl! Street artist on the loose in the streets! I always admire people and characters in this style, so I’m supporting this rebel all the way!

Herb Cookie: Now THIS guy is everywhere! It seems the fandom really likes him, and I can see why. He seems like a very nice boy, with a sweet plant baby. I like the leaf hair, very cool.

Sea Fairy Cookie: I love how everything on her flows. Her hair, her dress, she’s so beautiful~! I will say though, Legendaries are SO DANG HARD to level up and get affection with! WHY?!

Cream Puff Cookie: Awwww, look at this precious baby girl~! Look at her soft hair and little dress! I almost feel bad running with the super cute ones, I don’t want them to get hurt!

Matcha Cookie: Oooooh, all these ancient-looking cookies have the coolest designs! She’s probably insane, darkness will do that to ya, but she seems harmless so I like her!

Ice Candy Cookie: This chick could crush me like a grape and I don’t know how to feel about that. Hopefully, she’s only savage on the ice rink. I do NOT want to mess with this girl.

Cherry Blossom Cookie: Awww, look how pretty she is~! Cherry blossoms are always so lovely, and this girl embodies that. She has a PARASOL for crying out loud, I CAN’T EVEN!!

Grapefruit Cookie: This game sure likes sports, huh? She seems really cool, I love her colors! Do you think she’d play Skate 3? Hopefully, she’d get a laugh out of that game.

Pirate Cookie: This guy has been a long time coming. I’ve been curious about him since the Breakout episode. He’s pretty neat, I appreciate how he naturally comes with an extra revive.

Kumiho Cookie: Cool! A Kitsune! I love the spin on the concept of cookies. Let this marshmallow fox live out her reverse-furry dream! I’m loving her design too, look at that hair!

Marshmallow Cookie: Oh cute! Another marching band cookie! According to her story, she and Macaron had a falling out. I hope they can reconcile and be friends again. :(

Dark Choco Cookie: WE’VE REACHED MAXIMUM EDGE! WITH OREO SHOULDER PADS!!! Interesting how he’s still trying to be a hero, which is a nice spin on the “I have evil powers so now I’m evil” trope. Here’s hoping he stays strong.

Fire Spirit Cookie: Ah yes, the classic lord of fire. A staple for any fantasy story that includes the elements. Again, it’s impossible to get the affection for these guys.

Mala Sauce Cookie: Yay! I got Pitaya’s girlfriend! I always love it when there’s a tribe/society of warriors and the WOMAN is the strongest one there. Heck yes! This warrior lady is a badass!

Firecracker Cookie: I didn’t know I was invited to a rave party! Love the neon colors on this cookie, that’s something this game really excels at.

UPDATE 3:

I’ve reached 90 cookies! I’m on the homestretch!!!

Cheesecake Cookie: OH MY LORDY LOOK HOW FANCY SHE IS! I adore her already! Fancy ladies are the best ladies!

Kiwi Cookie: This game REALLY likes sports. He looks cool, can’t complain.

Yoga Cookie: Awww, a pretzel is trying to be loose! I’ve done yoga a few times, and it is very good for your body. Nice colors, simple design, nice.

Dr. Wasabi Cookie: I’d reference some mad scientist, but I know a lot of them so we’d be here for a while. Her combi generator has been very helpful.

Tiger Lily Cookie: IT’S THE EYE OF THE TIGER IT’S THE THRILL OF THE NIGHT, RISING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUR RIVALS!

Chili Pepper Cookie: Uh oh, this one’s a troublemaker! I really like her hair, it’s very bright. Secure your pockets around this chick, that’s for sure.

Millennial Tree Cookie: These cookies are too pretty, I keep thinking they’re girls! This guy is so beautiful~ truly a being of nature!

DJ Cookie: Ooooh, I love her design~. Rainbow colors will win me over every time. And look! She’s wearing a Bi Pride shirt! This girl is awesome! I like how her special power is basically tiny Guitar Hero.

Snow Sugar Cookie: Soft baby, sweet baby. Looks very cuddly. Their level was very helpful during Sandwich Cookie’s event in getting frozen jellies. Those blue bears aren’t easy to come by!

Fig Cookie: CENTAUR! I wasn’t expecting one of those here! She’s such a sweetie pie~. Since everything and anything is allowed in this game, can we get mermaids or harpies next?

Cotton Candy Cookie: PRECIOUS BABY! She’s so gosh darn cute, I can’t take it! I personally can relate to falling in love with things so easily. And there are official plushies of her now! ONE DAY I WILL BRING HER HOME!

Purple Yam Cookie: Bro needs a chill pill. Not ONCE have I seen this guy smile yet. And I thought Lemon needed to lighten up. Milk seems to care about him though, so I guess he can’t be that bad.

Milk Cookie: The softest of warriors! Look how cute he is~! I adore him! Plus he really shines in the stories. I can only assume Yam is his boyfriend or something. Am I wrong about that?

Cyborg Cookie: Hey! I saw the storybook for this one! I’m surprised I haven’t unlocked this “Aloe Cookie” yet. Are they still in this game? I can’t find them on the chart. Anyway, Cyborg is cool. Very nice design.

Mango Cookie: Newest baby! I love him, and would love to learn all about the islands from him! I’m gonna say it, I already ship him with Ananas Cookie, no questions asked.

#cookie run #cookie run ovenbreak #list #alanna #alanna_artroid

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bazwillendinflames · 7 years ago

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True Love's Kiss (Panto X Silas)

Ao3

This was not how their reunion was meant to go. It was meant to be a happy reunion in a much more peaceful kingdom but Wendimoor was more chaotic than ever. Panto's father was planning for war and the Mage's army was advancing.

Dirk Gently was meant to find the boy and stop this. The prophecy had promised that Dirk Gently would stop the feuding and bring peace.

The thing that really made Panto worry was Silas. His love was missing, last seen disappearing into the woods with strangers from another world - which could only been Dirk and Todd. He could only hope that Silas was safe and waiting.

He wasn't.

Dirk's guilty expression gave him away in an instance. "Panto! Look we're in the same universe again."

"Where is Silas?" Panto demanded, trying to spot his lover amongst the strange gang.

"Well... there was a thing and a fight and a magic thing?" Dirk looked behind him at the hut.

Todd joined him, followed by a woman with dark, half shaven hair and an aesthetic that was witch-like.

"Long story short... Silas is kinda asleep? I think Suzie put him in some kind of curse."

"Silas is in danger?" Panto asked. "This can not be. We were meant to have a joyful reunion and rule together. The war is still raging on... now Silas is under a spell."

The woman bit her lip. "I tried to wake him up. Nothing worked. Do you know much about magic?"

"I thought you were a witch Amanda?" Todd asked, in a light, teasing tone. Panto glared at him and the two parted.

"Can you take me to Silas?" he requested, still scanning the clearing for his lover. He seemed to be hidden, most likely to protect him from further harm.

"Yeah." The woman - Amanda - led the way to a small hut. Inside the lighting was dim and the pond glowed golden. But it was Silas that Panto was interested in.

Silas was curled into a ball as if he was sleeping, with a red jacket underneath his head as a pillow. Despite the initial appearance of a peaceful slumber, upon closer inspection it was clear the sleep was not natural. He was paler than usual and his breathing wasn't right. There was a smudge of red blood on his forehead, dried and staining his handsome appearance. This was a curse for sure - but one Panto wasn't sure if he could break and free Silas from his mind.

"He's been like this for days."

"Silas, my love." Panto took off his gloves and gently stroked his hair. If was wilder than usual and sticky with old blood and dirt.

"True loves kiss!" Amanda yelled, startling the rest of them. "I mean, if Dirk has solved the case and thus weird kingdom is caused by the boy in a coma clinging to fairytales, the oldest trope must work?"

"You found the boy?" Panto asked hopefully.

"Yes? Kinda but not really. We don't know how to get him or how to fix things. But we sure know who the boy is!" Dirk seemed pleased with himself, even if nothing he said made sense.

"You believe that kissing Silas will awaken him?"

Amanda nodded. "Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast. All of them have true loves kiss break the spell. It's worth a shot." The names meant nothing to him but the idea their love was enough to break a curse was so hopeful for Panto.

Todd grinned at her. "You're so punk."

"Shut up." The two headed towards the door. "Dirk? Maybe give them some privacy?"

"Oh right. Sorry." Dirk skipped out behind them, talking about 'Disney'. (Wherever that was.)

Panto scooped up Silas' sleeping form so he rested against his chest. He hoped more than anything that their love would be enough to break the curse and free Silas of his eternal slumber. He pressed a hand against his cheek (like the first time they had kissed - at sixteen in the sun, swords left sticking out the dirt) and kissed the top of his head. That didn't work so Panto tried kissing him on the lips. He pulled away and opened his eyes.

Silas was still asleep.

Panto sighed, frustrated at the unfairness of the scenario. True love kiss had not worked. Fairytales of an easy happily ever after had failed him once again.

Someone wiped away his tear.

"Panto? You have returned."

Silas was looking up at him with warm, brown eyes. The most beautiful eyes in Wendimoor.

"I promised, my love."

Silas leant against him, not questioning why he was curled against his chest in such a way in the first place. It was a nice moment, amongst the chaos, to sit together, uniting as lovers with their foreheads touching.

This was the reunion he had been dreaming of.

#dirk gently holistic detective agency #dirk gently's holistic detective agency #dghda #panto trost #silas dengdamor #panto x silas #my writing

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therappundit · 7 years ago

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November 2017 - *PlayLi$t of the Month*

Real talk: 2017 has been a rough year.

Speaking both globally and personally, the news events of the last twelve months have really made it challenging to be an optimist in today’s world. Picture what the year-end TV montage is going to look like this year before the ball drops? It’s going to be a straight-up horror show jumping from clip to clip of some of the most depressing highlights imaginable.

That all being said, musically speaking there is a lot to be thankful for this year. Take this playlist for example, reflecting a nice mix of hip-hop talent from all across the country. From household names to names that I’m not even too familiar with, the last month has treated us to a cornucopia of rap diversity worth celebrating. So have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope you enjoy my November PlayLi$t of the Month…

1. “Bulletproof Gucci Windshield” - Fly Anakin, Koncept Jack$on & Tuamie

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/panama-plus/1295998624

(While I have been checking for new stuff from the VA collective, I had not been eagerly awaiting a new album from the Mutant Academy folks. With their Soundcloud loosies still in my rotation from over the last few months, I did not think that Fly, Koncept and Tuamie would bless us with such a well-constructed, but still very raw underground hip-hop album, yet here they are to snag the #1 spot on this month’s list. Let it be known that Tuamie is a force to be reckoned with behind the boards, as he conjures up ways to put fresh spins on old boom-bap that bring to mind some of the vibes that DJ Spinna and Jay Dilla were able to infuse into their work. And the MC’s sound potent throughout, spitting bars at a clip that sound fierce, but without losing the vibe that these guys love to rap. Picture D.I.T.C. with some dashes of Gang Starr, Lootpack and even C-N-N, and you have a handle on why this album is easy to rock from start to finish. Keep your eyes glued on the Virginia underground rap scene for the foreseeable future, you won’t be disappointed.)

2. “Free” - CyHi The Prynce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtTgM1OUR-8

(Having long past the point where G.O.O.D Music fans were asking “hey when’s CyHi dropping?”, I would never have expected CyHi to bless us all with what sounds like it may be one of the best hip-hop albums of 2017. More than any other rap artist this Fall, CyHi perfectly timed his release to come after the wave of highly anticipated big label releases, but before the big holiday push. CyHi shows us sooooo much on this album, it is ridiculous! From his storytelling skills, to quote-worthy bars, to crafting actually songs with a point, to spiritual themes, production choices and features, the dude manages to do everything right on No Dope On Sundays. I waffled between several song choices for this slot, but ultimately went with “Free” because it’s one of the sparsest instrumentals on the album, which provides welcome room for CyHi to flex his pen game, which is his most impressive instrument of all...and perhaps G.O.O.D’s secret weapon.)

3. “R.N.H.” - Jayy Grams

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pzy02h-SoJM

(I know very, very little about Jayy Grams except that he is coming out of the criminally slept-on - but recently thriving - Baltimore rap scene. I heard this song on Hot97′s Real Late with Peter Rosenberg a few weeks ago, and then immediately took to the internet to find out more. The instrumental on “Real N***a Hours” sounds more like the type of soulful backdrop that would have appeared on Nas’ Lost Tapes, a classic late night head-nodder that you can only be used for two things: zoning out after a tough day, or deep, nostalgic reflection. Whatever you choose to do with this one, just make sure you follow Jayy Grams and play this one at night...I happen to be nursing a gin and tonic and listening to it right now!)

4. “Traveling Light” - Talib Kweli feat. Anderson.Paak & Kaytranda

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kfxkZoSzPk

(The new joint featuring Jay Electronica off of Talib’s new Radio Silence album will get more love since Jay Elec only comes out of his cave once or twice a year nowadays, but this song right here holds up to the best of Kweli’s kwatalog. Perhaps his best adrenaline-laced track since “Move Something”, it’s so great to hear Talib drop energized music like this again - in fact I highly recommend the whole album from start to finish.)

5. “Our Streets” - DJ Premier feat. A$AP Ferg

https://soundcloud.com/dj_premier/dj-premier-feat-aap-ferg-our-streets-produced-by-dj-premier

(Did you see this coming? I sure didn’t envision the concept of DJ Premier joining forces with the most unpredictable member of the A$AP Mob. Ferg represents both the old and new school so well on this one, spitting bars with substance without checking his madcap charisma at the bar. Not one of my favorite Primo beats ever, but certainly dope enough to please fans of both classic boom-bap and the new school turn-up crowd.)

6. “Rap Saved Me” - 21 Savage, Offset & Metro Boomin feat. Quavo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LK9rgGmrH7I

(One of a few unexpected treats to drop this past Halloween. 21 Savage and the Migos gang already have a strong catalog of catchy joints with Metro Boomin behind the boards, and this is certainly one of the strongest cuts off of Savage, Offset & Boomin’s aptly titled Without Warning tape. Nothing groundbreaking on this project...just a steady line-up of bass heavy trap tunes that sound decent enough through headphones, but street-shaking through car speakers. Something about 21′s chilly flow works for me more often than not, and this one definitely works as one of the more polished efforts from the four talents.)

7. “Down State” - WESTSIDE GUNN feat. Benny & Styles P

https://soundcloud.com/westsidegunn/06-down-state-ft-styles-p-and-benny-prod-by-daringer?in=westsidegunn/sets/hitler-wears-hermes-5

(Another month, another display of Griselda Records flexing their muscle. Westside Gunn closed October by dropping the 5th installment of his now classic Hitler Wears Hermes series, and this joint is an obvious standout. SP and Benny are an especially potent combo, considering that for my money Benny is the best street music poet since artists like the Lox and Beanie Sigel were sitting at the top of the food chain.)

8. “Walk” - Young M.A

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zogtwLQQEfY

(I never gave up on Young M.A, and I never thought for a minute that all she had to offer was “Ooouuu”. What makes M.A’s music sound so convincing is the same skill-set that enabled Cardi B. to become a superstar: the ability to sound casual and believable on tracks, like every verse is an effortless freestyle that arrived following a shot of Henny and bottled-up feelings that simply must be released. “Walk” doesn’t have a catchy hook like “Ooouuu”, but it does pack a steady head-nodder of a beat for M.A to cruise over, and cruise she does. Brooklyn can be proud of this one.)

9. “Once Upon A Time” - The Diplomats

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h9wRBzaqwc

(For any east coast rap fans over the age of 25, turn your nostalgia dials up to eleven for this one. Cam’ron, Juelz Santana and Jim Jones have done a handful of tracks since they split up, but not many have successfully rekindled the classic Dipset vibe quite like this one. Equipped with a trademark soulful, high-pitched Heatmakerz instrumental, the Diplomats sound as fresh as ever on this one. Check out Killa Cam’s latest tape too while you’re at it - The Program: http://www.datpiff.com/Camron-The-Program-mixtape.870785.html .)

10. “The Light” - Big K.R.I.T. feat. Bilal, Robert Glasper Jr , Kenneth Whalum & Burniss Earl Travis II

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=047nimeOEAw

(Welcome back, King. Big K.R.I.T. took on the challenge that few MC’s have succeeded at, and that was dropping a really good double-album. Dripping with Southern-fried soul and ready to spill his guts on each and every song, K.R.I.T. packs so much heart into this album that it may be a long time before we can all fully digest it. That being said, I didn’t have to sit through “The Light” for too long before I declared it one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have heard on a rap album in recent years. Combining the meandering brilliance of jazz with the depth of live instrumentation and the Mississippi rapper’s deliberate voice, this is easily one of my favorite songs off of 4eva Is A Mighty Long Time.)

*Honorable Mention - Bonus Cut*

“Horn Play” - ChanHays feat. Roc Marciano, Ghettosocks & Meyhem Lauren

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-vik0eU1wE

(A month ago I had not heard of the Canadian producer, but I promise to stay tuned to ChanHays’ future work after listening to his Here album. The project is stacked with top-notch stars of the underground hip-hop realm, and this dope little gem features two of the best torchbearers of the classic NYC rap sound in Roc Marciano & Meyhem Lauren. Definitely cop this whole project, it’s a no-brainer.)

“War Drums” - Meyhem Lauren & DJ Muggs feat. Hologram & Benny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCT8zIwZGws

(Speaking of Meyhem, his project with legendary Cypress Hill producer DJ Muggs is not to be slept on. Even with strong features from Roc Marci, Action Bronson, and the late great Sean Price, it’s this hard joint with Benny and Meyhem’s brother Hologram that make for my favorite cut off of Gems From The Equinox.)

“Mandatory Drug Test” - Moneybagg Yo & NBA Youngboy feat. Young Thug

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5M8QdU2KAQ

(When some of the biggest names from Louisiana, Atlanta and Memphis’ modern rap scenes get together, it’s usually safe to say that you’re in for a bouncy trap-anthem. Moneybagg & Youngboy dropped a surprise project this month that really seemed to bring out the best in one another. The hungry young talents flashed enough flow, personality and hunger to put over some tracks which would be indistinguishable in lesser hands. Thugga jumps in for some fun on this one, and the result is a strong little thumper that pulls ahead of some of the more repetitive fair on their solid Fed’s Baby tape.)

“2809” - Yo Gotti

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReAWz0kZJ0A

(Before Moneybagg, Yo Gotti was buzzing in the Memphis underground and slowly building a catalog of mixtapes stuffed with catchy tunes. Gotti has finally garnered household-name status in recent years, and in spite of a fairly low ceiling he has managed to deliver a steady flow of strong singles for years now. “2809″ is one of my favorite tracks from his recent I Still Am album, and like much of his music it showcases a deep appreciation for surviving a perilous lifestyle without losing an ounce of pride for where he comes from.)

Still In Heavy Rotation (can’t stop, won’t stop, eh-eh):

4:44 by JAY-Z

http://www.hotnewhiphop.com/jay-z-4-44-upcoming-album-new-mixtape.117283.html

Rosebudd’s Revenge by Roc Marciano

http://onsmash.com/music/roc-marciano-rosebudds-revenge-album-stream/

[ICYMI: Last month’s list below]

https://therappundit.tumblr.com/post/166616081671/october-2017-playli-t-of-the-month

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live4thestars · 7 years ago

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Entry #001

From the Sometimes Diary of a Part Time Filmmaker

It’s been a minute, for sure, since I started writing about my own life. I love to constantly surround myself in the worlds of my screen plays, but sometimes I feel like my life isn’t worth much retelling.

I used to be one of those people who kept a Journal every day. All through High school and some college I was a faithful daily chronicler. But then I ran into some depression and that kind of soured up my drive for the journal. After coming through it, I just haven’t gotten back into the swing of things.

So, while my computer renders one of my videography projects, I have discovered a lot of thoughts about movies that need to be expressed.

Thus, I have decided to keep a Film Journal here on Tumblr and give my thoughts on new movies that I see. Who knows how often this will happen, but sometimes this girl just needs to get it out of her system.

Today’s movie of choice:

Before we start, I just need to warn everyone that I am about to compare the ever loving crap out of this movie and the latest Disney live action version. Spoiler alert: was not impressed with Disney. Sorry if that shows, but I have my reasons.

La Belle et la Bete, released in 2014, was recently added to Netflix. All I have to say is God Bless Netflix, which gives me access to foreign films that I would otherwise have NO CLUE about. Director Christophe Gans also wrote this adaptation of the beloved fairy tale, and I have to admit he did a STELLAR JOB of it. Below, I’m going to give each category a score out of 10 to help illustrate the quality of this picture.

Cinematography: 9/10

The camera work is phenomenal. After having spent my college years as a lighting technician for a television studio, I’m a bit of a sucker for good dramatic lighting. And this movie delivered in SPADES! They played a lot with the Magic Mirror motif making it more of a window than a reflection.

Acting: 7/10

Love Lea Seydoux’s sassy and brave Belle, and I felt that the performers of Belle’s family members were delightful, if a bit “Adverb Descriptive word” (especially her brothers). But in a fairytale like this, it’s completely allowed.

Production Design: 10/10 would see again

STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND JUST WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THIS MOVIE. It’s flippin’ gorgeous to look at.

Think Baz Lurhman style opulence and add a touch of Disney’s Into the Woods and you’ve got this aesthetic. The amount of detail put into each set piece is exquisite, and I don’t use that word unless it is warranted.

Costume Design: 10/10 would wear again

I’M DYING OVER HERE! When I get into my Disney beef later, I will be referring to the costumes a wee bit. But look at how stunningly crafted these dresses are? And the Beast’s ensemble is so royal you’re afraid it’ll rain rubies if he brushes up against the wall.

Visual FX: 7/10

Not the greatest CGI animals I’ve ever seen, but definitely not the worst. What shortcomings I noticed were absolutely forgivable when they would cut to the next shots involving their wonderfully decorated sets. The final “battle” at the end didn’t end up as cheesy as I thought it would be considering the amount of CG used.

Orchestral Score: 7/10

Beautifully serene, creepy, and mysterious at the same time. However, I did recognize a few phrases here and there. Not that I could place where I’d heard them before, but some of it was derivative of something. Let me know if you have figured it out. It’s starting to taunt me.

Why I loved this adaptation

I’m absolute trash for the story of Beauty and the Beast. It’s been my favorite animated movie since before I can remember. I’ve read so many retellings; some of them very well done and most of them steaming piles of crap trying to capitalize on Beauty and the Beast popularity.

Each time I have experienced a new medium for my beloved fairy tale, I’m excited to see what they will add. What kinds of shading and depth can you give to this tale?

This film blew my socks off in that regard. They retold the story with characters and plot points that I had never seen used before. I’ve read books in which Belle is an only child, the youngest daughter, but never have I seen her portrayed as part of a large family. It almost seemed that she had “ugly step sisters” (even though neither of the sisters were Ugly nor Step-) who created wonderful foils to her elder brothers. A dysfunctional family, yes, and seemingly real dynamics too.

They added the dichotomy of Vice and Virtue in order to set up the final problem. Instead of a “Gaston” type villain who wants to keep Belle, or the internal struggle of Belle choosing to leave her family after seeing them again; the struggle comes from the vices of Belle’s family coming back to bite them.

Ok, now comes the part where I kind of rant. You’ve been warned.

Here are the top reasons I liked La Belle et la Bete more than Disney’s live action version.

#3 The story was more thought out and the characters’ actions made sense.

One of the nitpicks I had with Disney’s rendition was the lack of logic in their characters. The Live Action Cinderella provided some context for each characters’ actions and motivations, even the Evil Stepmother who never gets any love. I had hoped with the new one, Disney would take this opportunity to improve upon or even just supply some basic motivation that followed some logic. I am thinking specifically of the character of Belle’s father and his seemingly arbitrary choices. All under the guise of being... forgetful? Spaced out? Belle’s father in La Belle et la Bete was forced into his wrong decisions, unable to find another way.

#2 They actually did something new instead of rehashing the old.

Like I mentioned before, the way they introduced Belle as the youngest of a large family was refreshing. That she would be happier in a country existence after the luxury of city living was delightful character element that spoke to her intelligence instead of just having her nose in a book all day. Don’t get me wrong, that is one of my favorite aspects about Belle since I am a fellow bookworm. Yet, it was a nice change from the trope since there are many viewers who maybe do not pride their intelligence on their book knowledge. It made her intelligent both emotionally and intellectually. Her little sassy comments in the face of certain danger made me laugh at the brass balls this girl had. While watching Disney’s, I was so VERY disappointed that the story stuck so closely to the animated version (literally lifting 75% of the lines straight from the animated film) that I almost felt bored. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a beauty to look at, thus entertaining, but I felt like Ariel saying, “I want more!!!”

#1 with a bullet BELLE’S DRESSES.

Ok, not even just the dresses but the costumes in La Belle et la Bete had so much detail, care, and passion pumped into them. The first dresses we see Belle’s sisters, Anne and Clotilde, wearing are high fop fashion. Through the whole movie I was amazed by the sleeves. THE SLEEVES, PEOPLE! Who is fascinated by sleeves when there are so many other things to soak in? This girl right here. My issue with Disney’s version was that the costumes were fabulous... to a point. I’m a stickler for costume design rules: if you have an aesthetic you need to stick to it, otherwise they just don’t make sense. Disney suffered from a little costume schizophrenia. For example, the beginning scene had me FLABBERGASTED to see all those women and men in period French Rococo style. Even the Prince’s face painting was on point with some of those crazy masquerade parties you know the French aristocracy put on. Then we see Belle’s first costume and it’s a wonderful country bumpkin ensemble with plenty of color to call back to the animated movie. So far so good, Gaston and Lefou are looking great with their military style waistcoat and jacket outfits. I had a little trouble at first with the Beast’s costume because is was CGI and it’s really hard to animate fabric moving against a body in a seamless way. I was able to forgive that after a while though, I suppose I got used to it and moved on. BUT THEN WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COSTUME TO END ALL COSTUMES CAME ON SCREEN AND BEGAN TO ANNOY THE EVERY LOVING CRAP OUT OF ME! Belle’s “Pat of Butter” yellow Prom dress. There’s the Beast wearing a lovely blue waistcoat and brocade jacket complete with knee length knickers and buckled shoes. And Belle showed up in a prom dress from my high school dance. They threw “period” out the window and picked an atrocious color that was way too bright and washed out the Beast’s costume. It makes me VERY ANGRY when there is a period film and the costumes don’t stick to their aesthetic.

But in La Belle et la Bete, when they pick an aesthetic they stick to it like shine on silk. While not necessarily “period” correct, they used many elements of court dress and embellished accordingly to match the rest of the film’s components. It just MADE SENSE.

Alright, I say all that to say: Go watch this film, it is a delight for the eyes and imagination. You won’t regret the time spent in this beautiful fairy tale world.

That’s all for now!

#beauty and the beast la belle et la bete belle beast gaston costumes design drooling movies filmjournal

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cawfulopinions · 8 years ago

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Fire Emblem Fates: Just Shove Your Children into the Puberty Void

I really wanted to like Fire Emblem Fates. I really, really did.

But there’s only just so much anime I can take, you guys.

Fire Emblem Fates is the fourteenth entry in the long running Fire Emblem series of fantasy, turn-based strategy games. The series has always made itself distinct from other games in the same genre with its strong sense of fantasy aesthetic, its character writing, and smooth, smooth animation, but has always failed to get traction in the West due to its difficulty and occasional iffy mechanics choices. Fates’ predecessor, Awakening, sold very well, however, and proved that there was a place for Fire Emblem in the states, but sacrificed a lot of franchise difficulty, so Fates promised to give an experience that both fans of Awakening and fans of previous Fire Emblems could enjoy.

It… certainly tried. I don’t think it quite got there, but it tried. But there was a lot going on along the way that makes me question what the hell they were thinking.

Fates, ultimately, feels like it’s torn between being a Fire Emblem entry and being a cool light novel that all of the kids will like. There’s a lot that feels like it was cribbed from the latest cheap anime on the airwaves, just for the sake of appealing to people who’re into that. It’s a very weird atmosphere and it doesn’t really fit for what Fire Emblem has previously been. There’s some serious war drama, but there’s also some creepy incest stuff involving your non-blood related siblings and a lot of fanservice. There’s this soap opera stuff involving whether you should be loyal to your birth family or your adoptive family, but also a dimension crossing dragon man’s evil army that wants to destroy the world. There’s DLC gating. There’s a lot of DLC gating.

It’s not a bad game, persay, but… well, there’s a lot to talk about. Let’s dive in.

Disclaimer: All images in this long pile of salt are either pulled from official Nintendo press releases or official art, from Miiverse posts, or from other sources. Every image is a legitimate image from the localization, at least as far as I can tell. There’s exactly one image I ‘capped myself, and it’s because I wanted a good shot of a booty. Otherwise, I didn’t screencap them. Please excuse my laziness.

So before we get into my gripes with the writing, let’s talk mechanics. Fates is split into two versions, Birthright and Conquest, with a third route titled Revelations available as DLC. Each of the versions sports a different plotline, with different units and different maps. However, rather than each game being their own separate thing, the three routes actually branch from a single choice point a couple chapters into the game, after which point you’re locked into one version’s storyline.

The three versions offer different gameplay experiences – Birthright has you supporting Hoshido and is most similar to Fates’ predecessor, with access to skirmishes to level your units and a generally easier experience; Conquest has you supporting Nohr and is a fairly traditional Fire Emblem experience, so resource management is the name of the game; and Revelations has you rejecting both countries and running off with the intended blue-haired waifu, and features several unique map mechanics and access to almost all units from both games, opening up strategies and marriage options that aren’t available in the other two versions.

This is basically foreplay for these two.

These are all pretty ambitious ideas, so it’s a shame that they all just… don’t really work. For starters, unit types are largely divided by kingdom, which creates some weird balance issues. The majority of the units you get while playing with Hoshido are samurai, ninjas, and mages – speedy foot units with low defense –while the majority of your mounted units are Pegasus knights – low defense, low HP flying units who are vulnerable to archers, which Nohr has in spades. Which is a problem, because the majority of the Nohr units… are slower, hard-hitting mounted units who can tank hits way better than you can. When playing on Birthright, you have to work for your mounted and tanky units, as for a long time the only non-flier mounted unit is Silas, a defector from Nohr who brings along the precious Cavalier class, which can reclass into the tankier Great Knight class. It’s a helpful move, but it’s just not enough a lot of the time.

In a move that’s clearly meant to balance them, Nohr’s units tend to have low resistance, making them more vulnerable to magic. This makes Conquest an exercise in frustration all on its own because the enemy AI on Conquest can afford to throw endless mages and ninjas at you to carve through your resistance and lower your stats with their throwing knives. And, of course, there’s the occasional Spear Fighter with a Beast Killer spear there specifically to fuck up all of your mounted units’ days,

Only on Revelations do you have access to units to both types, since you get every recruitable unit between both games, save for a few specific plot units who you could only support off with the Avatar anyways. Besides the absolute pile of warm bodies you’re suddenly given, it opens up a larger experience with the game and better strategies you can now put into place… so it’s a damn shame that the route’s only available as paid DLC, and not as the base game.

Unfortunately, all three routes (but especially Birthright and Conquest) have a particularly damning, unfun issue: their map design sucks. It’s awful. The maps are almost entirely designed around the quality of “how can we make it easy for everyone ever to get swarmed by everything” and it makes everything an exercise in frustration. There’s one particular map in Birthright where you’re storming a fort, and the lead up to the fort is a large, open field, and the moment you move into one enemy’s range, you’ve basically moved into every enemy’s range, and whoever you send up there is about to get swarmed by everything. Which is an issue, because your tankier units are in short supply, and there’s only so much that Pair Up can do to fix everyone’s defensive issues.

This map’s probably the most extreme case, but it’s far from the only one; several of the maps can more or less be described in qualities of either “big open rectangles” or “awful mazes of corridors”. There’s also a surprising dearth of interesting terrain – I think I can count the number of maps with actual forest tiles on one hand, and since the final chapters on both Birthright and Conquest are all indoors, the terrain’s even more limited.

Making things a bit more interesting is the Dragon Vein mechanic – every map has special tiles that can be activated by any members of royalty you have in your team due to their draconic heritage, causing different effects depending on the map you’re on. These can be used against you or to your benefit, since there are more than a few maps involving you fighting the opposite kingdom’s royalty too. Honestly, it’s probably the shining feature of the game, aside from the rebalanced Pair Up mechanics, and I’d like to see something like it return in later games.

It’s fairly obvious from how the routes were designed and the various balance issues that appear that the decision to split the game into three full games worth of content meant nothing was really properly balanced. Admittedly, difficulty is subjective, but for me, Birthright, when played on Normal, was disgustingly easy. When played on Hard, it was a ball-raking experience in frustration and bullshit deaths. Conquest remains frustrating for the entire experience, especially if you’re playing on Classic, but it never feels frustrating in a fun way – it always feels like you’re clawing against the game, desperately trying to find a foothold while you’re being relentlessly carved apart by a million ninjas. And for all of their difficulty, Fire Emblem games do generally feel fair about it. It never feels unwinnable unless you’re on, like, Lunatic or some shit. But god, there were legitimately moments in Fates where I felt like snapping my 3DS in half because it felt flat out unfair.

You can change the difficulty mid-game, but you can only turn it down – Hard to Normal to Easy, Classic to Casual to Phoenix, where units, upon dying, come back the next turn. There’s basically no middle ground when it comes to difficulty – either you’re coasting through with absolutely no challenge whatsoever, or the game actually has your testicles in a vicegrip. Doesn’t help that the game gives you a few really good units in the form of your royal siblings, some of which come pre-promoted, and others with their own unique weapons. In fact, Ryoma’s weapons and stats are so good that people have actually soloed Birthright with him.

Beware the lobster man, for his lust for destruction is endless.

On the subject of weapons, Fates does away with something that’s been a series standard for decades – weapon durability. Instead, the game gives you several weapons with several differing effects – for example, the Sunrise Katana gives the wielder an insane dodge rate, but has a lower strength. Extra weapons can be forged into one another, letting you steadily improve their stats and, over time, make a weapon far superior to the one you started with. This is a pretty contentious subject in the fandom, but honestly? I don’t have any problems with it. Healing staves still have durability, and it means I don’t feel afraid to use my cool weapons like I always do in other Fire Emblems.

It also carries over the Pair Up mechanic Awakening introduced, with some new balancing to it – now, units can only aid in attacks if they’re standing to the side of the units in question, and only defend if they’re paired up with (on the same space as) another unit. Enemy units can also pair up, which leads to a lot of frustrating moments when you’ve got two heavily defensive units bottlenecking an area and you’ve got to get past them to make progress. Still, it’s an improvement, and I’d like to see it come back in a game with more unit variety, so I could fully take advantage of it.

Another thing Fates introduces is unique skills for every character – some get bonuses depending on the type of terrain they’re on, or the characters they’re around. Others have conditional bonuses or abilities, like Orochi and Niles being able to “capture” units that can be convinced to join your army, or Sophie being able to strip enemy units every now and then. This is actually a pretty cool thing overall and it really makes me think more about who to use beyond just stats and if I like them or not.

There’s also been several changes to how supports work, specifically through the addition of the A+ rank and the new class change seals that have been added. While S-rank is still exclusive to units of different sexes (symbolizing them getting married), A+ notes a “best friend” unit of the same sex, and like S-rank, every unit can only A+ rank once. The new Marriage and Friend seals allow a unit access to classes of their maxed out ranks, giving greater variety in the skills and classes they can earn. It’s a nice change. Master Seals are still in, as are a new variant that allows a child unit to upgrade to a promoted class immediately after recruitment if they’re recruited after a certain point in the game.

…but we’ll get to that later.

There’s also the My Castle, which is an expansion of Awakening’s barracks, and is honestly such a weird part of the game that it barely garners mentioning. It’s where your shops are, and over time you can add more facilities, gather materials to use to upgrade your items and make stat boosting food with, and participate in some faux-multiplayer matches to get points for other upgrades. It’s interesting, but its existence is… odd, especially since the plot explanation for it has to deal with Fates’ weird flirtation with alternate universe bullshit.

…but we’ll get to that later.

Overall, the mechanical changes are for the better, it’s just they’re marred by a lot of other dumb shit. Like the map design, the terrible balancing, and Jesus Christ, can I just have a knight, please, so I can stop getting punched in the face???

This is all without getting into the story, writing, and aesthetic, which is some of the most contentious in the franchise for a good reason. It’s, to be frank, kind of bad. It’s weird and anime in ways that Fire Emblem hasn’t really been in the past, and it feels more like I’m playing a not-so-great light novel adaptation than a fantasy war simulator. And it’s not like Fire Emblem isn’t tropey – for how much people love it, Sacred Stones’ plot sure wasn’t winning too many writing awards, and a good chunk of Awakening’s characters are better described by what anime tropes they adhere to – but Fates really goes all in, complete with some of my least favorite tropes: people being prideful about dumb shit, and sibling fetishism, because no light novel style plot is complete without siblings who want to bang the protagonist.

Some, more blatantly than others.

So here’s the basic outline of the start of the plot: the player Avatar (default name Corrin) is one of Nohr’s princes/princesses, and have been raised in seclusion in a castle distant from Nohr’s capital. Your siblings, who are also children of the king, Garon, have visited you over the years to keep you company and have grown very close to you. After a series of events, Corrin is captured by Hoshido, the neighboring kingdom, it’s revealed that the protagonist was actually born a prince/princess of Hoshido and was kidnapped by Garon in a previous war. In retaliation, Hoshido kidnapped a Nohrian princess, Azura, and raised her among their royalty. A rapid series of events take place following these reveals, with the Hoshidan queen being assassinated through a curse on your sword and the sudden attack of half-invisible soldiers, Corrin suddenly turning into a dragon, and Nohr invading Hoshido, all leading up to the moral choice that marks the version split: do you stay with Hoshido, the family you were born with; do you return to Nohr, the family you were raised by; or do you seek a third path?

So let’s talk about something that becomes very, very obvious when you start off: Nohr is evil. Nohr is hilariously evil. One of the literal first things that happen after you meet Garon is him ordering you to execute a pair of prisoners who were captured in a recent skirmish. When you don’t execute them, and your brother Leo pretends to execute them for you so you can let them go later, you find out that your siblings have to do this shit all the time and spend a lot of time only really following the letter of the order under ol’ Dad. One of the next things that happens is you walking in on Garon literally praying to an evil dragon skull. Basically every Nohrian army executive you meet who isn’t one of your siblings or their retainers is also some degree of evil and/or stupidly bloodthirsty. When you get to Hoshido, you find out that Nohrian mages have been sending literal animated corpses over to Hoshido to fuck shit up and just letting them do whatever they want, because Hoshido has a magic barrier keeping Nohr from directly invading it around it (in fact, this is why the queen had to be assassinated in such a roundabout way).

So when the route choice is presented, it’s supposed to be less “I want to be with this family” and more “I want to stop Nohr” and “I want to change Nohr from within”. Or at least that’s the intent. And while much ado has been made about Treehouse’s various translation changes (which I will not be getting into here, because that’s a can of worms I ain’t touchin’), the changes made at the route split were absolutely for the better. In Japan, when you choose to go with your Hoshidan family, it’s explicitly because they’re your birth family. In the NA version, it’s because you can’t reconcile your own morals with what Nohr’s done.

The weird part is, it really would not have been that hard to present Nohr in a sympathetic light – it’s stated that due to their perpetual night and poor weather, they have always had poor crop yields and had to invade other countries to support themselves, and ultimately it’s Garon’s dickishness that’s perpetuating the war. Previous Fire Emblems have also had antagonistic, but sympathetic enemy armies, including the Plegians from Awakening, who go to war in the first place because their mad tyrant wants revenge for the previous slights of Ylisse. So Nohr’s levels of cartoonish evil aren’t because it’s not a thing the franchise does… it’s because they just didn’t want to put the effort in to make it actually nuanced.

From the choice point onward, the plots follow three different paths. Birthright’s path is a fairly standard trudge through a Fire Emblem plot. I’ve heard it called the best “plot” out of the two starting routes, but I think that’s more because its plot is actually paced out well and doesn’t spend the first 15 chapters fucking around making you do Garon’s dirty work and complaining about it ad nauseum. What makes Birthright annoying is in the individual plot beats. There’s two distinct instances of characters killing themselves for no goddamn reason that occur during the story, and while the writers clearly want you to feel something during them, the actual reasons and circumstances are so contrived it’s hard to feel anything about it.

*muffled Rihanna plays in the background*

Furthermore, the further you get into Birthright, the more contrived the reasons for your Nohrian siblings to not ally with you get – Elise is blatantly on your side (and gets a storyline death for it), Camilla is clearly considering defecting before some contrived plot bullshit happens to make her want your friends dead again, and Xander and Leo just keep fighting you for reasons. Reasons that are never adequately explained beyond “Me Nohr, you Hoshido, you traitor, blaaaaaaugh”.

“Contrivance” is the name of the game with Conquest, too, which sounds like it’s going to have a sneaky storyline about you trying to pull a coup on Garon and change Nohr that way, but is actually about you putting down rebellions for him and fucking up Hoshido because you found out that he’s secretly a monster, and the only way to convince your siblings that he’s a monster is to sit him on Hoshido’s magic throne, because the plot device that Azura pulled out of her ass to reveal this to you with was a one-time use. And your character complains about this a lot. A lot. Half of the dialogue between them and any members of the Nohrian army boils down to “BUT WHY—“ and then your siblings rushing in and saying that yes, you’ll do the evil thing, don’t worry about a thing, and then your character resuming complaints. By the end of the game, you succeed on putting Garon on the throne, revealing that he’s a gross monster, kill said gross monster, and then have a surprise boss fight with a possessed Takumi, who had previously appeared to kill himself for inadequately explained reasons.

No matter which route you finish first (because let’s be real, you have to pay extra for Revelations, so you’re definitely not playing it first), you’re going to be left with a lot of unanswered questions, first and foremost being “Who were those semi-invisible enemies I fought all the time? What was up with that alternate dimension I fell into with Azura that one time in Conquest? Why were Takumi and Garon possessed by weird gross monsters? Why did Azura just suddenly die at the end for no real reason?” Good news: these are all explained if you buy Revelations. Bad news: You have to buy Revelations to even get so much of a semblance of an explanation, because otherwise these plot things are all left completely unexplained. The plot for Revelations barely has anything to do with the plot for the other two versions, too – while Birthright and Conquest are about the war between the two countries, Revelations is about a dragon that went mad, an alternate dimension kingdom, and how basically every problem in the game was because of these two things.

All routes manage to hit on one of my bigger pet peeves about Fates, though, and that’s that for all the plot tries to be about this moral quandary of the war, it ends up being more of a soap opera about how much it’s tearing you apart to have to fight your siblings, with a lot of very anime bullshit along the way, and by the time you get to Revelations, it’s gone so full anime that it’s not even pretending to be about a war anymore. The weirdest bits of the writing are in the alternate universe stuff, which you’re first introduced to early in the game when they introduce the My Castle, a pocket dimension only the Avatar can access where time doesn’t pass and the army can just hang around and chill. This alternate universe stuff then proceeds to go wholly unreferenced until a brief visit to Valm that takes place in Conquest, and Revelations, where it’s suddenly the crux the plot spins around.

Or unless you have a kid.

…but we’ll get to that later.

There’s a myriad number of other things that make the plot feel weirdly anime and amateurish for such a huge production. Azura is pretty much just “Plot Device: The Character”, with the song she sings through the game basically just being “Plot Device: The Song” with how many different things it gets used for (its actual effects, naturally, are unexplained unless you play Revelations). Azura being a songstress in the first place is a very tropey move – singers and divas are frequently very important characters in Japanese media, and having their songs have magical effects is one of those very common tropes that always feels contrived when it shows up. She’s extremely obtuse with her intentions, which turns out to be because of a literal curse that keeps people from talking about Valm (the alternate universe kingdom) without being in Valm (so again, you want explanations for stuff, better buy Revelations).

Similarly, Corrin tends to basically stumble onto new powers and weapons as the plot demands, giving the feeling that they’re meant to be a self-insert wish fulfilment character of some sort. In order, Corrin is a member of all three courts of royalty (yes, including Valm’s), is part-dragon, can turn into a dragon, suddenly has a magic weapon reveal itself to them that’s actually the key to saving the world, and spends a large portion of the plot seeking out a massive power boost so they can go fight Garon on his terms. And while there’s definitely something to be said about a character you can customize being meant to be something of a self-insert, since Corrin’s appearance is fully customizable, and since they can support with everyone, have the most versatility class-wise out of anyone, there’s an amount of wish fulfilment fantasy I can take, and we crossed it a while ago here.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of Revelations and things that come out there, one of the big plot points is that your birth parents actually aren’t the same as your Hoshidan siblings’ birth parents, and your dad’s actually a dragon. This is something that’s also told to you when you S-rank one of your Hoshidan siblings, in the form of a secret letter your mom left for them, but up until that point on Birthright? You just think you’re partaking in some incest of the highest degree. So if you want to get that explanation without thinking you’re banging your biological siblings? Better buy Revelations.

Not that any of this makes any of the sibling fetishism in Fates any less creepy. Since the Avatar, like in Fates’ predecessor, Awakening, can marry any character in the game, all of your Hoshidan and Nohrian siblings are fully marriageable. However, a few things are made immediately obvious when you’re interacting with these characters. The first is that both families consider you to be their family, which raises a ton of awful, creepy questions about power dynamics and the morality of fucking the people who raised you. The second is that the developers absolutely wanted you to fuck your siblings anyways, because Elise and Camilla exist.

From left to right: Three potential routes in the mythical bisexual anime dating sim that only exists in my dreams.

All of the Nohrian and Hoshidan royalty characters are written around specific anime tropes and honestly feel like they could have been plucked from an otome game, or at the very least, a passably written light novel, but Camilla and Elise specifically play into a particular incesty trope-set that’s very common in Japanese media: the sister who wants a more-than-sisterly relationship with the protagonist. Half of Camilla’s dialogue is basically just throwing innuendo at you while simultaneously implying she wants to mother you, leading to a frankly disconcerting combo of MILF-femme fatale-big sister tropes. And just in case you hadn’t gotten the memo yet, Camilla gets an entire CG scene dedicated to showing off her tits and ass on Birthright, while on Conquest, a large part of the ending CG scene is dedicated to the protagonist running headlong into her titties. Subtle.

Elise, on the other hand, is a cute little gothic Lolita little sister who’s always cheering you on and calling you “Big brother!” or “Big sister!” – grating, but standard enough little sister tropes in Japanese media. The problem is that she’s marriageable, and unlike Awakening, where it was implied that the debatably legal characters all had their kids at least a few years into the future from when the game takes place, the children in Fates are all born not too long after characters get married. So either Elise is supposed to be a legal loli (which is creepy), or you’re banging your underage adoptive sister (EVEN CREEPIER).

All of the siblings in Fates have these problems, but Elise and Camilla really get it the worst, because they’re so overt about it. They’re characters whose entire identities are wrapped up in being your sibling, and you can fuck them. Even with them not being your blood sibling, there was a conscious decision to write them in this faux-incesty manner that adds a real creepy sheen to the whole thing. All of the other members of the royalty? They’re dating sim tropes. Ryoma and Xander are dependable, kind of dorky older guys, Leo and Takumi are supposed to be the standoffish, full of themselves ones, Sakura’s the cute, shy one; and Hinoka’s the hot blooded genki girl. And then there’s Elise and Camilla, who fall into two varieties of incest trope, with a double dose of lolicon on Elise’s end.

But hey, while we’re talking marriage options, let’s talk about the other characters in Fates. So a big thing about Fates is that since it’s technically two separate campaigns, both Birthright and Conquest have complete casts and full armies to take with you, with the characters you get determined by which route you’re on. This isn’t inherently a problem (at least until you get to Revelations and you get both casts, minus a few pre-promotes, giving you a massive pile of units you’ll probably never use), but something about the cast feels very incomplete. There’s a lot of character tropes that are reused from Awakening – for example, Subaki is a Pegasus riding retainer for the crown who’s well known for being absolutely perfect at everything, much like Awakening’s Cordelia; while Hayato is a child-like mage who wants to be taken seriously and has been trying to prove himself, much like Awakening’s Ricken.

It doesn’t stop with just tropes though – a few of the characters are wholesale lifted from Awakening, too. Did you like Cordelia, Tharja, and Gaius? Well, I hope you did, because they’re child units on Birthright. This is actually one point where Conquest has a definite leg up on Birthright, because Conquest’s Awakening cameos, Odin, Laslow, and Selena (Owain, Inigo, and Severa, respectively) actually came to Fates’ world using an actual plot mechanic from Awakening, and get a set of DLC dedicated to explaining their presence in the world in more detail. So that’s another paywall on massive plot material, because that’s the name of the game with Fates, but at least the effort’s been put in.

And something that doesn’t really help is a lot of characters seem to be written very differently depending on route and whether you’re in the main story or the supports. For example, Takumi, if you’ve only played Conquest, is a raging asshole. There is nothing good about him, definitely nothing that seems to suggest the popularity he apparently has in the fandom. If you play Birthright, he’s cold and standoffish and jealous, but there’s depth there. But then there’re his supports, and he’s awkward and prideful and somewhat endearing about it. It literally feels like three different characters.

Top: Takumi in Conquest. Bottom: Takumi in Birthright and his supports.

Overwhelmingly, the various Support chains feel better written than the majority of the game. Even with how tropey a lot of the characters are and how sick I grew of them in the main story, I still enjoyed the support chains a lot. Anything involving Mozu pretty much immediately became a feel good, good time, even with the less personable characters. Raging asshole Takumi became likeable through his supports. It legitimately felt like I was reading a completely different story when I got to the supports, and I genuinely wonder if they were written by a completely different writing team.

Fates also does something no other Fire Emblem has allowed before: there’s gay marriage options. There was much ado made about how stupid it is that they’re version locked, as well as the tropes that go into them, but I’ll give Intelligent Designs credit for trying. However, I won’t give them credit for the fact that the options suck ass. The gay marriage options are Niles, an innuendo spouting Nohrian thief with a thing for bondage and enough angsty backstory and hidden darkness to make him a stereotypical yaoi “top” character; and Rhajat, who is literally just Awakening’s Tharja, a creepy Dark Mage with a penchant for curses and is the Avatar’s stalker. These characters weren’t written to actually make them appealing to gay people – they’re written to fit yaoi and yuri archetypes to make them appealing to straight people.

Go away.

And it’s not like I didn’t give them a chance on my own playthroughs – both my Birthright and Conquest avatars were actually genders that matched the gay options for those routes – but as I got through their support chains, I found out pretty quickly that I didn’t want anything to do with either of them. I’m not interested in marrying someone whose only interesting character traits are his love for innuendo and his angsty backstory, or a creeper who wants my vagina because she’s convinced that I’m her fated lover, and is willing to curse everyone to make it happen.

Legitimately, there’s other characters that would have made more interesting gay options, like Silas, the Avatar’s childhood friend who’s dedicated enough to them to defect to Hoshido; and Soleil, Laslow’s daughter who loves girls so much that her personal skill is all about powering her up when she’s around other girls. Why she’s not the gay option, and Discount Tharja is, is beyond me.

There’s something that’s really jarringly apparent about the Fates cast the further you get into it, though. The game really wanted no business with any party members who weren’t conventionally pretty and young. And nowhere is this more exemplified than with certain pre-promotes you can get, the character of Nyx, and the non-recruitable boss character, Zola.

So in Fates and Awakening, pre-promoted units (units who come to you already as an upgraded class) generally can’t be supported with any party members besides the Avatar. Both games have exceptions (specifically, Frederick and Anna in Awakening and the royal family members in Fates can all be supported with other units besides the Avatar), but that’s generally the rule. It was odd in Awakening, because in previous Fire Emblems pre-promotes usually could still support with other party members.

But something Fates does that Awakening didn’t is that all of the pre-promoted units who can only support with the Avatar are also old. From Reina, a Kishin Knight with visible wrinkles and a lust for murder; to Shura, a vagrant from a Hoshidan border nation who defected to Nohr; to Gunter, an old man who is one of the Avatar’s retainers. It seems like anyone over the age of 20-something is shoved into the “Avatar-only” category of supportable characters, regardless of their apparent depth of character. Some of these characters are also among the few who don’t come back for Revelations – Scarlet, a Wyvern Lord Resistance leader who joins you in Birthright, gets a particularly undignified death when you first go to Valm to justify her lack of involvement.

It’s the kind of thing that really feeds into Fates’ weird, creepy light novel feeling, because that’s not something other Fire Emblems really have done. Awakening had a good amount of visibly older characters who were still fully supportable (Frederick and Gregor come to mind), and previous Fire Emblems had multiple older characters per game and never really called attention to them the way Fates does. But here, every character (save, say, Benny on Conquest) has to be in the age of conventional attractability and look appropriately, and god forbid they don’t, especially if they’re a woman.

The most egregious instance of this is quite possibly Nyx, a child-like Nohrian mage who’s actually old enough to be an old woman. She falls into a long-standing Fire Emblem tradition of “characters who look like little girls but are actually super old”, which are usually among the various Manakete characters of Fire Emblem. These generally range from “wise despite their appearance” (Myrrh from Sacred Stones) to “uncomfortably childlike” (Nowi from Awakening).

Nyx is a rare exception in that she’s fully human, and looks the way she does because of a curse… and she’s also a Dark Mage, so she wears a bikini everywhere. It really does feel like they wanted an excuse to put a kid in a bikini, and used the “she’s really like a hundred years old!” excuse to justify it (which they also did in Awakening, and it was just as uncomfortable there). And yes, you can marry her as a male Avatar, and yes, she will give you a kid. Have fun with that mental image.

And then there’s Zola.

Who wouldn’t want to give this little creeper a hug?

Zola is a character with… very contentious writing, and another character where, in order to get any perspective on him, you have to play Birthright first. In all three routes, Zola is a minor boss who impersonates the Duke of Izumo, a neutral kingdom in the war, and uses this as a chance to try and execute the Hoshidan royal family before getting killed by Leo for his dishonorable behavior. It’s pretty standard Fire Emblem boss fare, and he’s pretty forgettable there.

But on Birthright, Zola lives past that chapter as a prisoner of the Hoshidan army, and this allows him to gain more depth as a character, revealing that despite his cowardly nature, he does have loyalty toward the Avatar and there’s something sympathetic about him. In any other Fire Emblem game, it’s entirely possible he would be recruitable. In fact, he factors into the Hoshidan army’s plans to fight Garon during the theater episode in Chapter 12.

However, by this point, keen-eyed Fire Emblem players have probably already noticed that Zola did not join the army after his “recruitment”, and the plot summarily executes him after taking three chapters to humanize him, and he’s completely forgotten from that point on. The thing is, more morally ambiguous characters are recruited to the Avatar’s team in Fates alone (cough cough Niles cough Rhajat cough), and they’re allowed to stick around. But Zola is executed despite the game clearly showing he’s loyal to the Avatar (he even pleads to Garon to spare the Avatar after he betrays the party) and him having a fully fleshed out character.

As far as I can tell, the only reason Zola is not recruitable is because he is not pretty. He’s a coward whose looks match his personality, and so he was always intended to be cannon fodder. It creates some legitimate questions about the equating of beauty and goodness in Fates, because there’s legitimately no reason why that plot development needed to occur in Birthright considering how that event is handled in Conquest and Revelations. It would have been easier to leave it all out.

So that’s three distinct cases of characters who are over the hump as far as “acceptable age” and appearance goes, and how they’re treated. It’s another thing that feeds back into Fates’ “big budget light novel” feel – you’re not going to see a ton of those with main characters who aren’t conventionally attractive young people, and the characters are generally designed in a way that they’re appealing to younger players and their aesthetics.

And boy oh boy, does this show in Fates’ character design.

While Fates borrows a lot from Awakening, one thing it does not borrow are Awakening’s class designs. Awakening’s designs were generally fairly simplistic, and aside from a few specific things (flying classes’ baffling lack of armor, those… shoulder things on knights, cavaliers wearing toilet seats for neckpieces), they were fairly reasonable fantasy armor. In fact, most female characters, including the prissy aristocrat troubadour Maribelle, wore pants. The downside there was that a lot of classes were gender-locked; Pegasus knights and troubadours were female only, but even so, they didn’t have particularly egregious designs.

Fates removes gender locking for all classes, but the female only designs are often… egregious. By which I mean, everyone wears panties. Everyone wears panties into battle.

Can you please put on some goddamn pants before you chafe your thighs into oblivion?

Hoshido classes, thankfully, generally wear loincloths over their panties, but the egregious lack of pants tends to be really blatant. But Nohr classes tend to be more than willing to let it all hang out there, even if (or especially if) they’re a horse-riding class. Nothing was worse than upgrading my daughter to a Great Knight, only to find out that she was now riding her horse into battle pantsless. I may have explicitly decided to go with a male Avatar for my Conquest run because I found out that the upgraded Nohr noble class just bares her panties everywhere for female Avatars.

Fates has a lot of really weird fanservice in it. The explicit focus on Camilla’s everything, the panty-baring female class designs, the access to a hot spring that doesn’t seem to have any real purpose beyond being there, and being able to strip enemy units with certain weapons all just gives it a really weird atmosphere for a game that’s supposed to be a serious war drama. It’s the same incongruity I get from a lot of recent anime, such as Re:ZERO, which is apparently a serious story, but also gives its generic main character a harem of pretty anime girls who all want to get with him.

A lot of Fates feels like it’s trying to appeal to the most common denominator by emulating what other games and anime are doing, like the dynamics between characters and the related character design, as well as things they felt were the most popular elements of its predecessor, which was the best-selling Fire Emblem game in a long, long time and possibly saved the franchise. So it gives you a massive cast of characters and a dynamic world-saving plot makes pairing them all up a major mechanic, and even includes previous games’ characters as a throwback to people who liked Awakening. And, most bafflingly, it includes Awakening’s child mechanic.

IT’S TIME.

When two characters of opposite sex reach an S-rank support with each other, they get married, and their child can then join your army after completing a side mission. Awakening reconciled the fact that the parents and children could fight alongside one another through the use of a time travel plot – no one actually has any children over the course of Awakening’s story (besides Chrom, which is part of the set-up for this element); rather, their future children travel through time to help prevent the horrible future that happened in their own world. It’s a major part of Awakening’s plot, and while none of the child characters have major plot relevance outside of Lucina, the fact that they go out of the way to weave the explanation for why they exist into the plot helps ground them, and several of the children’s Supports involve them trying to connect with their younger, past parents now that they’re in a world where their parents are alive again.

Fates, however, doesn’t use this explanation. Instead, after your first marriage scene, you’re treated to a cutscene explaining that the parents didn’t waste any time getting knocked up, and after the child was born, it was determined it was too dangerous for any kids to be kept around with the war going on, and so the children were sent off to their own alternate pocket universes (or “Deeprealms”) to grow up safely. Because time passes differently there, the children almost instantly grow to adulthood from the people in the army’s perspective, and by the time they’re recruited they’re fully trained, fully capable soldiers ready to go stab the shit out of some enemy soldiers.

Just shove ‘em riiiiight in. Don’t worry about any consequences, it’s fiiiiiiine.

There’re a lot of stupid holes and questions that pop up as a result of this, first and foremost being the very obvious question of “When did anyone have time to have children?” All of the female characters in Fates are also combatants, so unless they’re all badasses on the same tier as Metal Gear Solid’s the Boss, they probably weren’t fighting at the same time they were pregnant. Also, Fates isn’t very clear about the time frame the game takes place during, but since no one ages significantly, it can’t be more than a couple of years. Since time doesn’t pass while the characters are in their My Castle, theoretically they could have stayed there for the duration of their pregnancy, but unless the gestational period in Fates’ world is significantly shorter than real life human gestational time, that would mean individual characters having to stay in My Castle for periods approaching upon months, at which point they would have their children, and then shove them in the puberty void to keep them safe while the parents go right back to fighting in a war.

Which brings it around to the next unsettling implication -- the neglect in the children’s upbringing. Fates’ children only aged quickly from the perspective of their parents outside the pocket dimension – inside their Deeprealm, time moved for them at a normal rate, and the occasional visits the parents gave (as indicated in their Supports with their children) were separated by periods of years. Fates does not shy away from showing how this kind of upbringing affected their children – many of them have major gripes with their parents for essentially abandoning them for their own good, and a few of them have developed some odd quirks and delinquent behavior as a result. Several of their recruitment events are about guilting their parents into bringing them along for the war, and it’s a constant subject in their Supports, as well. No one is particularly happy with how the situation worked out in-story.

The constant statements that it was done for the children’s own good in their Supports and recruitment events really pushes to the forefront how baffling the explanation is, because the game makes it more than clear that it was this distant upbringing that messed the children up so badly. It goes into absurdity if you’re playing Conquest, which features three returning child characters from Awakening as potential parents, who should know what it’s like to grow up with no parents (all of Awakening’s parent units are dead by the time their children travel back to the past) and would probably not want to subject their children to the same upbringing.

It’s the inclusion of the child mechanic that pushes Fates from a passable, if flawed, game, right into “basically unplayable”. It’s blatantly obvious that Fates was not written with a child mechanic in mind, and that it was added because Awakening’s shipping mechanics went over very well, and they wanted to capitalize upon that. And it’s not like any of the child characters are bad characters--

Well, most of them aren’t, anyways.

You are not my children. You are a disgrace.

But ultimately, all they do is serve to give you more units in a game that’s already swimming with units, and end up being a massive distracting bit of bad writing in a game whose writing is already only passable at best. They literally could have been left out of the game entirely, and nothing of real importance would have been lost.

(Also, it would have forced them to make a lesbian option that wasn’t just “Discount Tharja”. Or at least tried to make it less obvious that they were recycling everyone’s favorite stalker waifu.)

Fire Emblem Fates is, ultimately, not a bad game. For all of my griping about the map design and unit distribution, there was clearly a lot of thought put into the new mechanics. Forging weapons to make them stronger feels more rewarding than the old durability system, which always ended up boiling down to “Iron swords for everyone!” so you didn’t waste your cool super weapon. And if you can look past the writing, you’ll definitely have a good time with it, or at least end up frustrated in the kind of fun way only Fire Emblem players do. But the obvious DLC gating, the poor writing, and the nonsensical puberty void bullshit make it a very hard game for me to like, and I don’t think I’ll ever get around to playing the third route as a result.

#fire emblem fates #fe14 #fire emblem #review #opinion #a massive pile of salt

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robedisimo · 8 years ago

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Alien: Covenant - Five things worth discussing [SPOILERS]

[Warning: spoilers for Alien:Covenant and appalling geekery follow. Go here for a spoiler-free review.]

The old Walter/David switcheroo

One of the points I made in my review pertained how Alien: Covenant tends to anticipate – or at least acknowledge – its viewers’ questions and doubts as they watch the plot’s horrific events unfold. This is usually expressed through dialogue, but there’s one crucial instance in which facts speak louder than words, and I think it’s worth talking about in greater detail.

As soon as the camera cuts away an instant before David’s (presumed) demise at the hands of his technological “brother” Walter, trope-savvy audience members know what’s afoot: the lack of a confirmed death scene opens the way for a late-game reveal, which indeed is what we ultimately get as David turns out to have somehow survived his deadly encounter with his better-but-lesser doppelgänger and taken his place as the Covenant’s resident android.

The point is that Covenant could have ended – rather anti-climactically – with the first Xenomorph being killed by the crew with the cargo crane, the survivors returning to the ship, and David being unmasked as the credits started rolling, all in the span of five minutes. Instead, the film’s climax is lengthier and more articulated, with a second Xenomorph emerging within the ship and chasing the surviving crewmembers inside its bowels, David watching the scene through cameras while still under the pretense of being Walter.

Here you see how Covenant’s script is aware of the people watching the film. Another movie could’ve been content with only fooling the more naïve portion of its audience, while accepting the fact that more experienced moviegoers have already seen the plot twist coming. What this movie does, instead, is keep both sides guessing. Fassbender’s performance as the film’s final act unfolds is guarded and remarkably neutral: his expressions while watching the Xenomorph make its way through the ship could be either of apprehension or fascination, and his final reaction as things resolve could be either of disappointment or relief. Are watching David, somewhat sad to see his creature defeated? Or are we watching Walter, dealing with unexpected feelings as Waterston is shown to have survived the hordeal, David’s words about love seeding doubt in his synthetic mind?

It’s a really enjoyable feat of filmmaking, and it’s only accomplished by a combined effort of scripting, direction and acting. The fact that Covenant isn’t satisfied with having half its audience know the final twist beforehand, but rather takes active measures to keep perceptive viewers second-guessing their own intuitions, shows a kind of narrative sensibility that certainly was nowhere to be found in Prometheus.

It all comes, of course, on the heels of a potential plot hole: why did Walter spare David, and what was his ultimate fate? Was he somehow “converted” by David’s impassioned case for synthetic superiority, or did his final hesitation give David the chance to somehow gain the upper hand (pun semi-intended)? Did he actually die, or was he left to take David’s place on the Engineers’ decimated world? Those are all questions – and hopefully answers – for another instalment in the franchise.

David as an overarching villain

When Prometheus was first announced, it was reasonable to assume that Noomi Rapace’s Elizabeth Shaw would go on to be the new franchise’s leading character, carrying the new narrative on her shoulders the way Ellen Ripley did for the original Alien saga. Given the way that film ended, that impression grew even stronger; Covenant instead throws a curve ball at us, giving us a movie in which her character not only doesn’t drive the plot, but is actually revealed to have met a gruesome end between chapters.

The most immediate consequence of this choice is one I’m fully in favour of: the new Prometheus/Alien franchise has no Ripley of its own. And really, when you start thinking about it, why would you want one? Sigourney Weaver’s are some (literally) big shoes to fill, and any new heroine would have to live with that shadow constantly looming over her.

The same issue was faced by the 2013 Evil Dead remake-slash-reboot, which made the very smart decision of gender-switching its lead character and give her an altered backstory: that obviously obliterated the need to recast Ash Williams, a veritable minefield which would have left any young actor hypothetically chosen to fill the role facing an onslaught of unflattering comparisons to Bruce Campbell, likely dooming what eventually turned out to be an actually pretty decent update of the cult franchise.

So instead of casting a new saga-spanning heroine, the revamped Alien series has chosen to give us a new female protagonist each film while basing its narrative around an overarching male villain instead. David is at this point clearly intended to be this new story’s central antagonist, and Michael Fassbender to be its main big-name star. It may disappoint those rooting for the rise of a new culturally-iconic action diva, but let’s leave that to a younger franchise – one less likely to incite unwanted backlash by not living up to former glories.

Creator, creature, creator

Covenant’s midway section is arguably its least solid, but also its most intriguing by far: its revelation that David is the actual creator of the franchise’s titular alien shakes the whole saga from the foundations up, and is delivered in such chilling fashion that while watching in the theatre I couldn’t contain my admired disbelief at the film for taking such a bold narrative turn.

What compounds the scene – scenes, rather, as the whole extent of the reveal is explore over the course of two separate sequences – is the choice to portray David as not just the creature’s engineer, but also, more specifically, as its designer. His laboratory overflows with drawings echoing the iconic style of legendary concept artist H.R. Giger, ultimately fusing fact and fiction together to canonically acknowledge the Xenomorph as a product of deliberate aesthetic planning.

It’s a poetic tribute to the franchise’s visionary visual architect, and it carries with it a number of fascinating consequences. David, now free of his human creators and having in the interim become the destroyer of their makers in turn, elevates himself to the role of builder of new, carefully constructed life and thus potentially seals his fate as the future victim of his perfect nightmare child.

Like its predecessor, Covenant is rife with biblical – and biblical-adiacent – references, as David is evidently portrayed as a Lucifer analogue. Made in the image of his creator but perceiving himself as superior though bound to servitude, his rebellion – after which he is replaced by a second generation of lesser, more obedient creatures – ends in his creation of an army of demons to unleash upon humanity.

Here the mythology gets more complex, as it draws from different cultures and narratives – as explicitly evidenced by the Wagnerian reference to Norse folklore –: David’s human creators are not self-made gods, but are instead themselves the children of higher, older entities. The “Engineers”, like the Titans of Greek myth, hate and loathe the new generation of creators they begat and yet are ultimately destroyed not by them, but by their creation’s creation.

Ironically, David, who hates humanity, becomes the instrument of the death of the Old Gods – who hate humans as well – but at the same time carries on their work, inheriting their taste for perverse biological experimentation and ultimately continuing their “mission” in ways mankind never did, as it had chosen that alternate path which resulted in the creation of David himself.

So there’s also poetry in the fact that the half-animal, half-machine conundrum that is the Xenomorph turns out to be the brain-child of a synthetic lifeform. All in all, I feel as though with this film the franchise’s title gained a second, more obscure meaning: by getting to peer into David’s imagination through his Giger-esque design, we got to see how truly alien his mind is.

It turns out, at long last, that this most iconic of sci-fi monsters wasn’t a natural-occurring beast, but rather the nightmarish science project of an immortal Hannibal Lecter type. David’s treatment of Shaw’s corpse suggests that she wasn’t killed by a chest-bursting parasite, but rather subjected to autopsy or vivisection... and the fact that it’s hard to tell which of those options is the more likely in the face of David’s professed love for her says more about his character, I feel, than just about anything else. This is all the product of retcon, of course; but I don’t think this film series ever had a more compelling character to play with.

Amusingly, his “authorship” of the Xenomorph creature lends a new meaning to Weyland-Yutani’s efforts to gain possession of the alien species in the original saga. After all, as products of their product, they must certainly feel they have a right to call dibs.

What does this mean for the franchise?

That’s the question at this point, isn’t it? I can certainly see how we may still need a couple movies in order to loop back into the scenario we stumbled upon at the beginning of the original Alien. Ridley Scott tells us we’ll actually need four, which sounds a tad too much but could be interesting, provided there’s already a concept in place for a coherent story arc.

Of course the big problem is that Prometheus introduced a plot hole into the franchise, and Covenant has now blown it wide open. The “face chamber” in Prometheus featured an engraved image resembling the classic Xenomorph, contrasting with the “Deacon” seen emerging from an Engineer at the end of the film: that seemed to suggest that we were witnessing wasn’t the birth of a proto-Alien, but rather just a variation of it.

It was all pretty confusing – what wasn’t in that movie? –, but Covenant makes matters arguably worse with its implications concerning David and the Xenomorphs’ origins. As things are, there are probably only two or three possible scenarios: either David created the “classic model” Xenomorph – although it’s worth pointing out that the version seen in Covenant doesn’t yet display the overtly biomechanical features so prominent in the classic design – or he’s replicating something the Engineers had already achieved in ancient times.

The third option, less likely but perhaps more intriguing on a broader mythological scale, is that David is consciously modelling his creations after what he saw on the mural, and that that same image was the Engineers’ own mythical representation of their idea of a devil analogue. David may be actively working to turn the gods’ worst fears into reality; but that’s just me speculating.

Of course, if the answer turns out to be the most straightforward one – David being the actual creator of the Xenomorph as we know it – that spells absolute doom for the Alien vs. Predator shared universe, which far from being confined to the two mediocre films of the same name is actually alive and sprawling in comics and novels, one of them of very recent publication and dealing with the aftermath of the Prometheus scenario.

Plainly if the Xenomorphs are such a recent creation, the Predator race can’t possibly have regarded them as the ultimate prey for millennia. Ironically, while Covenant is on its own one of the best movies in the entire franchise, it may also very well end up becoming the most hated by a certain devoted subset of fans.

I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that

So this last one is admittedly just for Italian readers, but I trust the rest of you can get a kick out of it as well. For the entirety of Prometheus, the Italian dub cast addressed the David character with a correct standard-English pronunciation of his name. Day-vid; well, more or less. Nobody batted an eyelid, and everything rolled along just fine.

Then we get the first scene of Covenant, in which David “names” himself while looking at Michelangelo’s homonymous statue. The parallel is fairly obvious: over the course of the film we learn that David single-handedly laid waste to the Engineer homeworld, a classic “David vs. Goliath” scenario.

Now, that’s an entirely different matter for Italian speakers: the biblical character David isn’t Day-vid, it’s Duh-vid. So for the entirety of this second movie we got the Italian voice cast calling him that, instead. A small continuity hiccup, but no big deal.

This is where it gets funny, though. I remember wondering, back when Prometheus came out in theatres, whether the choice of “David” as the character’s name was supposed to be half-homage, half-parody: the human protagonist of 2001: A Space Odyssey is named David Bowman, and Michael Fassbender’s character here certainly shows some heavy parallels to his A.I. counterpart, HAL 9000.

The funny part? The Italian voice actor portraying HAL in the local dub of 2001 consistently addressed Bowman as Duh-vid. Let it be known that everything ultimately comes full circle through sheer power of nerdiness.

#KenAtTheMovies #Alien: Covenant #Prometheus #spoilers

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transformersaesthetics · 5 years ago

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The Aesthetics of Transformers

Hello Tumblr! That time of the month again. Unfortunately, things have been really busy around here lately, and I was unable to get to Beast Wars 1998, so you’ll have to wait another couple weeks for Transmetals to hit the scene. However, today I instead present an article on what makes transformers aesthetically valuable. Enjoy!

What do we find enjoyable about Transformers?

I’m sure many of us have grappled with that question at one point or another. That day when you buy a figure and realize you don’t particularly care about it, or when you look at an old figure that once was a favorite and feel nothing in particular. Why do I do this? What keeps me coming back?

The answer for me is that it was, and is, fun, even though I sometimes lose sight of that. Transformers offer me a simple, pure joy in the appreciation of something cool, or beautiful, or technically impressive, and I find that immensely fulfilling. In a way, it’s the best sort of engagement with life.

For a long time, I was at a rough place in my life personally, and it manifested itself in how I engaged with my Transformers. I was obsessed with the idea that aesthetic merit could be reduced to specific features of a toy that we found valuable, and that I could collect all toys that demonstrated a certain level of those characteristics.

However, as I pursued that goal, it became more and more apparent that something was wrong with that conception of Transformers. One of the more obvious flaws was that one of the figures I had used to establish my exacting standards in the first place, Thrilling 30 Springer, no longer met them. Indeed, no toy did or could, because no toy is literally perfect.

I think I’m at a better spot in my life right now, and I think, once again, that’s reflected in my relationship with my transformers. I’ve come to realize that while, in some ways, I was correct about aesthetic worth being derived from specific qualities of a toy that we value, I was also wrong. I was wrong in the sense that there is no such thing as the perfect figure, one that completely has every single quality of aesthetic merit to the maximum degree. This is often because whether or not a figure demonstrates a certain characteristic is a matter of judgement and taste. Is ROTF Leader Optimus a bad figure with an annoying backpack, or is it the best representation of Movie Optimus?

There are many different ways that transformers can be enjoyed, even for a single individual; we all have our own constellation of aesthetic values. I think that we look at aesthetic criteria for a figure, and, if we like it emotionally or because we chose to or whatever, we can overlook the imperfections or even outright flaws. In this essay, I want to talk about a few of the things that make a Transformer beautiful, as a celebration of beauty and joy, and also to give some insight into how I think about these figures.

I think one of the greatest aesthetic virtues a transformer can have is the simple one of being ‘cool’. I always really liked trains, and I thought it was cool how Classics Astrotrain turned into a train and a space shuttle. I think the P-38 Lightning is a dumb plane and I love it to death, and for that reason, 2010 Highbrow is one of my favorite figures. Cool is intentionally pretty vaguely defined here. It’s really anything that can make you go ‘oh, that’s neat’ when you look at a figure, and obviously that’s going to differ from person to person, based on what your other interests and values are.

Another thing that makes Transformers desireable is screen accuracy. Until fairly recently, most of the primary Transformers media has been television or movies. That means that we are attached to most of our favorite characters because of their presentation in these media. It makes sense that toys that more closely correspond to the tv representation of a character would have more aesthetic merit. This is especially true for cases like Arcee or Elita-1, where for years there was nothing approaching a screen accurate toy. Something I personally enjoy is toys that are so screen accurate it looks like they just hopped off the screen. Some notable examples for me are the first Transmetal toys from Beast Wars (sometimes, looking at you Waspinator), Transformers: Animated as a line, and a few specific figures like Studio Series Blackout.

Transformers are, at their core, action figures, so we want them to be able to do actiony things, like having a full range of articulation or being nicely poseable. Sometimes, of course, it is impossible to include a waist joint or some such and still have the figure transform, so I think the standard for articulation in Transformers is somewhat lower than in other action figure hobbies.

For me, the normal range of articulation is ball joints or equivalents at the shoulders and hips,and elbows and knees. In this day and age I would say bicep and thigh swivels are also standard, but I do have a couple figures that I really enjoy who don’t have either one or the other, generally because of cleverness with ball joints at the elbow or knee. Head articulation of some sort is nice and pretty common, but again, I do have a few figures with restricted head articulation and it doesn’t bother me so much. Waist and ankle tilts are gravy in almost all cases, though we’re getting a lot more ankles nowadays.

Kibble generally refers to parts of a Transformer’s alternate mode that are visible in the robot mode, or vice versa. Sometimes, like with G1 Seeker designs, it’s pretty cool to see a robot made out of parts of f-14, especially stuff like the wings. Other times, like with Movie Blackout, the entire alternate mode ends up on the back of the toy and causes sad feelings the world over. Kibble can also significantly restrict articulation and playability, as with Beast Wars Rampage.

I tend not to mind kibble so much if it’s subtle, or used deliberately for a cool effect, like on the seekers. Even somewhat more egregious stuff like POTP Predaking or Movie Dropkick doesn’t bug me that much, although it used to. Honestly, shellforming a la TLK Berzerker doesn’t even bug me that much, although it’s self evidently rough. What does get to me is when a toy stops being a toy because of how kibbly it is, like the aforementioned Movie Blackout. Now, I still own that toy and enjoy it, and others like it, but I don’t find that part of it aesthetically pleasing. Of course, this is not to say that kibble is bad or being overly kibbly disqualifies a toy from being good.

One of my favorite things about Transformers are when the transformation schemes surprise me. TR Kup, Generations WFC Optimus, Studio Series Dropkick, and 2010 Terradive all are some of my favorite figures, entirely because their transformation schemes are so clever and novel. Of course, I’m also a sheer complexity junky, and I go out of my way to collect toys explicitly because they are complex. Examples include RID Sideburn or ROTF Mixmaster. I really enjoy it when the toy I’m holding is technically impressive for one reason or another, be that it used all of its pieces very well in both modes, was astoundingly intricate, or had a specific neat trick or device it employed.

Transformers is fairly unique in that there are comparatively few totally generic characters. Each toy has a personality associated with it, even if it’s just the bio card that came with it. The brand has been introducing and exploring characters for close to 35 years now, sometimes more well, and sometimes less well, but undeniably, characters are a huge part of why we involve ourselves with the brand.

Waspinator is iconic for his comic relief, as is Skybyte. MTME Megatron is one of the most interesting characters I’ve seen in anything ever. Even characters who get comparatively little screen time, like Astrotrain, have dedicated followings, because transformers often does background characters quite well. I myself own lots of figures I wouldn’t otherwise, simply because I enjoy their characters. To that end, one of the reasons a figure can have aesthetic merit is that it represents a character you like.

Something I personally enjoy in a figure is when I’m shocked to discover that it exists at all. A huge example of this is 2010 Highbrow, who I mentioned earlier. I remember clearly, I was just going down a rabbit hole on the wiki when I suddenly stumbled upon a P-38 Lightning-esque transformer, and my first reaction was disbelief. There was no way HasTak made such an obscure figure. But they did, and it’s awesome. A more recent example is TR Gnaw. I was stunned that they were making a Sharkticon toy again after so long. I had sincerely never expected that to occur, but I was so glad that it had. I simply love discovering a transformer in some corner of some obscure line that turns into some alt mode that nothing else does, or something else that, against all the odds, exists.

As we touched upon briefly in the “It’s just cool” section, something that can make a transformer valuable is that we just think the alt mode is neat. It can be nothing more sophisticated than “I’ve always liked squids” that draws someone to BW Claw Jaw. Honestly, one of the coolest things about transformers for me is the sheer depth of alt modes that has been covered in the history of the brand. Odds are, if you can name something, there’s a TF of it. Specific Japanese bullet trains? You bet. A WW2 style bomber? Absolutely. A wooly mammoth? Yep, and that one’s an Optimus Prime. There’s even a Soundwave that turns into an Ipad, and a Megatron that turns into an alas undersized nike shoe.

We can also value transformers because that specific figure is important to us. My RID Ro-tor is that way for me. My uncle bought it for me, years ago, and it was one of my first transformers. I thought it was just the coolest thing, and I spent hours pretending he was an autobot, because I noticed they didn’t have as many fliers and wanted to fill the gap. Every time I look at that toy, I think of my uncle a little, and I’d never want to be without it. Or, for another example, just recently I bought Armada Astroscope again, because I had the Requiem Blaster as a kid and Astroscope was my favorite, but I lost him. I’m sure everyone who took the time to read this article has some kind of story like that.

Another reason I personally find Transformers interesting is their historical significance. I think Classics Astrotrain is really cool in its own right, but I also just love that he’s one of only 2 deluxe class triple changers. I think it’s really interesting that Generations Brainstorm kind of serves as a proof of concept of the entire TR line, and that versions of Punch/Counterpunch are basically the only backwards triple changers, with two robot modes. G1 Soundwave probably hugely influenced the development of Minicons in Armada, and smaller toy interaction in every subsequent line. I think it’s really neat to have a part of that history in my collection.

Another draw of Transformers, as with any collecting hobby, is finding rare figures. Be it expensive, Japan exclusive boys like Masterforce Browning, Arms Micron Breakdown, Dile and Sauru, the vanishingly rare Lucky Draw figures, members of teams that are tough to find on their own for no reason like RID Rapid Run, exclusives, like Botcon figures or Universal Studios Evac, things that barely saw release like DOTM Deluxe Leadfoot, or even holy grails like the G2 Stunticons, getting a rare figure in your collection is always a treat. I personally don’t go in for that hugely myself, in part because it’s expensive and in part because I don’t super value rarity for its own sake. But I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a little cool to own my Chevy Aveo Swerve because it’s rare, even though I bought it because I think it has a super unique artstyle.

On that theme, an individual TF can also be valuable because it fills a specific hole in your collection. An example of this could be getting TR Blitzwing because you have TR Astrotrain and TR Octone, and he rounds out the trio. Or perhaps you’re only missing a single figure from the entire run of Armada, or you need one last Thundercracker to complete your collection of literally all of them. For me, this tends to be a bit more historically driven, because, I am, if you can’t tell, a nerd. I have my eyes on Transmetal 2 Iguanus, because I don’t own a Beast Wars figure from that year. I’ve thought about buying BW2 Moon, just to have one of the very few new mold BW2 toys.

The final point of aesthetic merit I want to discuss is kind of a restatement of the first. Every transformer has specific things about it you like that are unique to that toy, and don’t make sense to discuss on other figures. For example, Energon Sharkticon has soulful eyes, and I love how his dumb physique makes him look like an old style superhero. I love that he looks like he’s wearing a helmet, and that the little guns on his boat mode actually move around. None of that is universalizable, but it doesn’t make me value the toy any less.

This is, of course, by no means an exhaustive examination of everything that makes a toy aesthetically valuable. As I said earlier, I mean this to be a celebration of some things I find personally meaningful, and to give you some insight into how I evaluate toys. I hope this has gotten you thinking about what you yourself value in a transformer. They really are fun, and even though we can lose sight of that sometimes, it’s always there to welcome us when we come back to it.

#tl;dr #transformers #aesthetics #toys #fun #value #titansreturn #sharkticon

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